


Not Who I Thought

by nursehelena



Series: We Are on Fire [1]
Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Caning, Dominance/submission, M/M, Sadomasochism, bondage/discipline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-14 09:50:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1261882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nursehelena/pseuds/nursehelena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whips, chains, and restraints are totally metal, so long as you don’t like being on the receiving end. With that, it becomes too taboo for Skwisgaar to risk finding someone outside of Mordhaus to take care of him. Someone inside, though…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Curious

“Ja, dat am goods. . .just likes dat. . .”

Skwisgaar's fingers crept into shoulder-length brown hair as he congratulated himself on such a good idea. Already, the tightly wound ball of stress laced with sexual need undid itself. Not too long now, until it disappeared completely.

His door slid open, freezing Skwisgaar and distracting his stable slut. Toki juggled a pile of envelopes and junk mail. “Nathan gives me the job of deliverings mail and you got some guitar magazines—oh, I's sorry!”

“Gets out of here!” Skwisgaar pulled the blanket over his waist. “Leaves and don'ts come back!”

“Sorry, I just puts your mail—”

“Forgets de stupid mail, _gets out!_

“Fuckings hell.” Prospective orgasm forgotten, Skwisgaar stood up and fumbled with his belt. Just because Toki left, that didn't mean this was over. “You too. Leaves.”

He tore down the hallway after Toki, sure the he'd retreat to his room. Even if he had somewhere else to go, Toki was a habitual creature. Sure enough, the heavy wooden door snapped shut just before Skwisgaar rounded the corner toward it.

“Toki, opens up.” Skwisgaar rapped his knuckles against it, then tried the knob. “Unlocks dis and lets me in! I needs to talk wit' you.”

A pause denoted Toki's consideration. “You starts yelling or something, though, and I push you rights back out.”

Now that Toki appeared before him, Skwisgaar had no idea what to say. He wanted to make sure Toki hadn't noticed that a man situated between his legs, but how suspicious was it to ask? Skwisgaar remained in the hallway when Toki held the door open for him. “I guess it wasn'ts really all dat importants if I forgets. Sees you later, bye.”

“What, you nots gonna make sure I don'ts tell the other guys what I sees?”

Skwisgaar halted in his retreat. Really, out of all his bandmates, Toki would be the easiest to be level with about this without repercussion. None of the others could keep a secret to save their lives. That didn't at all mean Skwisgaar was _relieved_ Toki stumbled upon this. If he didn't handle this perfectly, he'd ruin everything for himself. “You won'ts, right?”

“Oh. . .maybes. Maybes not.”

Skwisgaar faced Toki, though didn't eliminate any of the space between them. “Dat amn'ts fair. You can'ts tell dat to nobodies. It ams my private t'ing!”

Leaned against his door frame, Toki inspected his nails. “It isn'ts like no one suspects it, anyway.”

“Whats you mean by dat?”

“ _I_ dids, anyway.”

“And how woulds _you_ know what I likes?” Maybe Skwisgaar let his guard down a bit too much since Toki came back home. Sure, they palled around quite a bit more, but he'd been careful, hadn't he? Just like the past eight years they'd known each other? The last nine, for everyone else?

“You don'ts exactly keep you sex life a secret. Everyone know you sleeps with anything, and it isn'ts no stretch of the imaginations that problies include guys. I nevers ask, because I know you gets mad.”

“I can'ts tell if you am goings to go runnings to tell dem or nots. You goes ahead and lords it over me, but don'ts tell no ones.”

“What aren'ts I telling them?” Toki asked. “ _Just_ that you likes getting blow job from dudes?”

Skwisgaar would much rather Toki get all the teasing and name calling out of his system. The sensitive subject matter forced the blond to move closer, so that their raised voices wouldn't attract any unwanted attention. “Ams you asking me because you cares, or because you tryings to get informations out of me what to tease me wit' later?”

“I maybe tease you a bit,” Toki admitted. “But I won'ts tell no one, since you ask so nicelies.”

“I woulds appreskate dat.” Skwisgaar cursed himself for giving Toki such a harmful weapon against himself. Whether or not they were friends, this had so much potential for disaster. Shit like this was the reason he kept to himself as much as possible.

“Why you takes it so seriouslies?” Toki chuckled. “It isn'ts that big a deal. So whats, I already kinds of knews. It don'ts change nothing. But you's kind of cute when you all off balance.”

That disarmed Skwisgaar even further. “What's you say?”

“I saids you cute. So you gonna stands in the hallway all day, or are you gonna take you mail so I cans go give Pickle and Moidaface theirs?”

“I takes it, I guess.” Skwisgaar narrowed one eye at Toki as he sifted through the pile of stuff on his bedside table. “T'anks.”

Skwisgaar wasn't sure what to think when he returned to his room. He and Toki took the odd shot at one another about prospectively encompassing men into their sex life, since Skwisgaar suspected him and every other member of his band at one point or another, in turn. He always dismissed it as projecting his own secret outwards, though what if Toki deserved that suspicion? It unnerved Skwisgaar, because Toki unwittingly poked at an unfulfilled portion of his sexuality. Skwisgaar assumed a straight face whenever Toki got aggressive with the others or generally abused their servants just for fun, all while squirming inside. Guilt ate away like acid the first few times Toki crept into Skwisgaar's mind when frustration reached its pique, but he eventually accepted it as a fact of life. Fantasies didn't hurt anyone, nor could they leave concrete evidence behind.

While staring at the ceiling after extinguishing the need, old apprehension about such thoughts reemerged. Sure, Skwisgaar considered it, but the reality of the situation was that so much as putting himself out there could cause a catastrophe. He'd have to live fifty feet from Toki with that embarrassment for the rest of his life, should he be turned down. And then what if the band found out? Who said Toki was gay enough for that anyway?

A disturbing aspect of this afternoon was how Toki seemed to know _exactly_ how to throw him off guard. But that was just the way he behaved, wasn't it? Calling Skwisgaar cute came out so naturally, much like how he told the band to stop suffocating him so much a few months after they got him home. Toki really wasn't a kid anymore. He'd been through too much shit to see the world so naively. While once he required their guidance to navigate through the day, he now rebuffed their insistence. If not for Toki's steadfast affinity for palling around, Skwisgaar would almost assume that their overdue rescue left him bitter. Assertive and lewd after a couple drinks, it turned out.

A knock came at Skwisgaar's door a little while later, after redressing and pulling his guitar over to his lap. “Who ams it?”

“Toki.”

“Whats you want?”

“Lets me come in.”

“Is unlocked.” Skwisgaar kept his gaze on his instrument, suppressing a burn in his cheeks. Ugh. He still couldn't believe this. “What's you wants?”

“I's bored, figureds I come see what you ups to.” Toki landed on his stomach on the bed, causing Skwisgaar's fingers to jumble the scales he practiced. “What's you playing?”

“Not'ing, reallies.”

“Just notes?”

“Ja.” Used to Toki watching him play, Skwisgaar took a deep breath and commenced ignoring him. A quiet titter distracted him again, though. “What so funny?”

“Just thinking.”

“Do I dares ask abouts what?”

“You givings hand jobs.”

Skwisgaar's playing ended with a twang. “Toki!”

“Whats?” He rolled onto his back and peered at Skwisgaar upside-down. “You problies has then, rights?”

“I don'ts even t'ink dat am any of you business, whats I do! Quits being so nosy! Keepings t'ing quiet means you don'ts get to ask t'ing like dat!”

“Holies, calms down. I's just curious.” Toki paused. “Whats about blow jobs?”

Skwisgaar fixed him with a hard glare.

“I takes that as a ja?”

“I t'inks you should leave.”

“Why? Is an easy quetskin to answer, you just says ja or no. Or you nods or shake you head.”

“You ams being so rudes right now! What de fucks you so curious for anyway?”

“Why can'ts nobodies be curious arounds here for just that reasons? You talks a lot about all the ladies you get, so what's different about the guys?”

“I don'ts get wit' guys all dat much. I gots one what comes up here from my stable, and dat ams it. I don'ts do not'ing to him, he do it to me. Dere, ams you curiosities satisfied?”

“So you's _never_ sucks or whacks a guy off?”

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and turned away again. “You am so indecents. Go away.”

“Oooh, you totalies has!” Toki gasped. “Dids you like it? What it like, anyway?”

“You needs to stop dis rights now. You ams making me uncomftable.”

“I thinks you like getting teased. Otherwise you woulds has hit me with you guitar alreadies.”

“Is dat what I gots to do to gets you outs of here? You ams invadings my porsonal space, in all de wrongs way. I wishes for you to leaves me alone and nevers bring dis up again. If you cames in here like a friend, rat'er dan a porvort, I mights talk wit' you about t'ing since you ams obsvisly de _big gay_.”

That should've sent Toki away in a gust of refutation, but Skwisgaar didn't hear his door shut. Chancing a glance over his shoulder, Toki still lounged on his bed, fingers folded over his stomach and expression contemplative.

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow when he didn't say anything. “Whats?”

“Maybes I curious.”

“I don'ts know what you t'inking, but don'ts expect not'ing from me, nots when you walks in here like a caveman what hasn'ts learn no fucking manners.”

“When you knows?”

“Abouts what?”

“That you was gay.”

Skwisgaar narrowed his eyes. “Looks, I levels wit' you. For whatevers reason you my friend, so if dis am reallies a t'ing you t'inks about for yourself, I talks wit' you abouts it. But you gots to promise dat you stops saying and asking inappropriates t'ing. Gots it?”

“Ja, sure.” Toki rolled over again, feet in the air and head propped up on his elbows while he waited for an answer to his previous question.

Still, Skwisgaar hesitated. “Ams you just pretendings about dis, to get more informations about me?”

Toki shook his head. “Is a thing I thoughts about a long time. Since befores I come to join the band. I keeps quiet about it, because I didn'ts think there anyone to talks with. I didn'ts want to ask you, just in case you tease me forevers.”

“Likes you has been doings to me today?”

Toki smiled guiltily.

“I don'ts completely believes you. I admits dat I has suspect you of dis befores, but I still t'ink you fuckings wit' me.”

“How woulds I convince you?”

“I don'ts know. Anyt'ing you say coulds be a lie. Has you even beens wit' a guy before?”

“I nevers got the chance, back home and here. And I was too busy gettings by when I liveds on the street between.”

“Hm.” Skwisgaar's eyes remained narrowed.

“You don'ts got to tell me anything you don'ts want to, I guess. I's just curious. I don'ts think I alls the way gay, if I am. I still likes ladies. I just don'ts really care, if I honest.”

Skwisgaar could empathize with that. He boasted such a wide range of taste, undiscerning of age (so long as they were _of_ age), race, sexuality, or gender. Thin, fat, clits that looked like dicks or vice versa, none of it mattered. “I promise whatever you likes, however specific, dere ams a name for it. You don'ts got to be all straights or all gay. Dere ams like seven differents t'ing you can be, nowaday.”

“Actuallies?” Toki raised an eyebrow. “Likes what? There gay, straight, the one with both. . .”

“Bisexuals,” Skwisgaar confirmed. “Asexuals, means you amn'ts attracted to peoples at all like dat. Transexuals, like you identifies as a sex differents from de one you gots at birth. Dat one ams different dan de ot'ers because you cans be more dan one. For examples, if you feels like a woman inside but am a man on de outside, you can stills be a lesbian. And den dere ams polysexual, which mean you don'ts want to identifies as bisexual because you believes dere am more dan womans and man for gender. Then pansexual, which mean dat gender ams completely irrelvant to you. You just sees de porson.”

Toki's legs moved back and forth in the air as he pondered that. “Is it appropsrate to ask what _you_ are?”

“I has gone through a process of eliminations, over de year.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “I understands dat dere amn't a sides you pick in de whole man or woman t'ing, so I amn'ts straight or gay. Asexual am simplies out of de quetskin. I ams comftables wit' having a dick and I acknowledges dat dere am _ways_ more dan two genders. I comes to de conclusion dat I amn'ts attracted to peoples for any specsific reason, so I calls myself pan.”

“How many differents kind of gender are there?”

“I couldn'ts even tell you off de tops of my head. Dere ams pretty much anyt'ing. You cans even be a t'ing like a man what ams attracted to lesbians, like you a lesbian in a man's body but you likes having a dick. Pretties much anyone cans be more dan one gender when it gets dat speksific.” Skwisgaar smiled at Toki's mystified expression, calming down with an earnest breach on a topic of great interest. “It gets a bit complicateds, ja. Dere am also a t'ing like romantics orientation. You cans have feeling for a person but not wants to sleeps wit' dem, t'ing like dat. Or for anot'er examples, maybe you reallies sexually attracted to ladies, but you would rat'er be romantics wit' men.”

“I think I goings to leave here more confused than when I comes.”

“Being confused ams part of de fun. Dere ams a lot to figures out and onlies good way to do it.” Skwisgaar plucked thoughtfully at his guitar. “Don'ts even gets me started on sexual behaviours, like what peoples do wit' de peoples what dey am attracteds to. I woulds has to just writes you a book.”

“You probablies could. How you knows all this? You saids you hasn't done much wit' guys. Is it just a thing you reads about?”

“Ams interesting to me. I likes to learns about it.”

“Sometimes I wonders if you got hobbies other than the guitars. This would maybes count.” Toki chuckled. “So what's this thing about behaviours?”

“You reallies want to gets into dat? Ams like gender, I couldn'ts tell you everyt'ing what peoples am interested in, though I coulds probably tell you why if you gives to me an example. Dis ams a t'ing what no one can escapes in dey life if dey likes to has sex, since everyone naturally want to do t'ing what gets dem off. Dere ams different degree, likes vanilla, kinky, or fetishes. Vanilla mean t'ing like what peoples find standard. A man and woman in a monogsmous relatesingip what only has sex in de missionaries way am de most vanilla t'ing I cans t'ink of. You cans make it kinky by maybes she take it in de butt instead of de usual way, or maybes _he_ take it in de butt wit' a strap-on dildo. If dere am a fetish involve, for examples a foot fetish, den maybes one of dem can'ts get off unless what dey doing am gots feet involve somehow.” Toki hung off Skwisgaar's every word, mouth slightly agape. “Ands den of course dere am de BDSMs, and all de t'ing what falls under dat. You cans be a person what likes to dominate or be dominate, or boths. Same go for people what likes to be hort or hort ot'ers, wit' deys consent, of course. Dat ams a very broad descriptions, but BDSM am where power really come in. Although, you don'ts even has to have sex when you do some t'ing what people who practice BDSM do.”

“Wowie,” Toki quietly said. “I didn'ts know there was so much to all this.”

“Human sexuality ams a big t'ing. Dere amn't evens _close_ to just one ways to be. So I don'ts feel bad about whatevers I am or likes or does except when I gets tease for it.” Skwisgaar cast him an indicative look. “I won'ts be put down for it, and de other guys am pretties bad about t'inking outside de box, nots dat I reallies want to talks about dis sort of t'ing in de hot tubs or de sauna anyway. But I knows dey would has t'ing to say, so maybes you appreskate more now why I woulds rat'er dis keep quiet.”

“Ja, I gets it.” Toki nodded. “Is a thing you cares a lot about, huh?”

“I guess. Is just an interesting t'ing to me.”

“That mights be so, but then on the same notes you tell me that you don'ts do much with guys. Just ladies. If it all a thing you interested in, why nots play around mores? You's figured out how to gets a guy up here without us knowing, so is it just likes even though you know a lots about it, you don'ts do it yourself? Kinds of like I now knows people gots the foot fetish, but I wouldn'ts have that for me?”

Skwisgaar hesitated, struck nervous again given the nature of what his sex life lacked and Toki's association with it. “You know what it am like beings in Dethklok. You says it yourself. What kinds of a chance you gots to do anyt'ing around here what amn't just humps into a lady and gets it over wit'? Dere am such a stigmas about doing anyt'ing outside de box dat de teasing and whatnots amn'ts even wort' to try.”

“So there are things you don'ts get to do what you woulds like to.”

“Is problies true for everyones, but until somet'ing give, dere am no chance for anys of us.”

“You's the most opens about this kind of stuffs out of all of us. If anything's gonna give, is gonnas be _you_. So if anyones wait for anything, there it is.”

“You has a points,” Skwisgaar conceded. “But I amn'ts comfkable just tellings everyone ja, I likes guys, sucks it up, you knows? I am stills a private porson about dat.”

“Hardlies! Everyone know you gots a good string of ladies coming and goings.”

“Is pretties easy to fools everyone, when dat am just what dey expects. Dids you ever t'ink befores today when you walks by a hoodeds porson in de hallway dat he ams acklies a guy what comes to my room?”

“I—noes, not exactlies. . .”

“Den deres you go.”

Toki moved his feet progressively faster, the longer they spoke, and now he gazed at an indiscernible spot on Skwisgaar's blanket while he thought everything over. “I think peoples don't give you credits for being smart. Maybes you dumb about most things—we all are—but what you knows about, you knows pretty much everything. I woulds come for you advice agains on this, if I needs it. If you don'ts mind.”

“So longs as you remember what I say. I don'ts want you comings in here beings rude. You knows now if you ask nice enoughs, I tells you t'ing wit'out a problem. You starts being lewd, I gives you not'ing.”

“Ja.” Toki paused. “So whens _did_ you know you nots completely straights?”

“I hads dis friends when I little, maybes about eleven. We nevers did not'ing because we too young and I doubts he t'ink de same way anyway, but t'inking abouts him woulds keep me up late because I wouldn'ts be able to sleep. I didn'ts get den why I t'ink about hims like dat de same ways I might t'ink about how nice a girl look, but den my moms and I was drivings to Göteborg one day when it comes to my head I had to be bisexual. It made so much sense, I had to stops myself from tellings her. I figures it out better laters on, ja, but dat am when I thoughts I had a name to puts on it.”

“You nevers felt ashame?”

“I was nevers taught to be ashame, so it never occureds to me untils I move away from Swedens, and by den it was too lates for me to care.”

“You's lucky.”

Skwisgaar shrugged. His mother was never ashamed either, about her sexuality. He always wished she could've been, just for _his_ sake. “Once you learn dere amn't anyt'ing what ams acksly weird, it ams a lot easier t'ing to deals wit'. Why ams de t'ing what ams our deepest porson and what makes us feel so good such a taboo t'ing?”

“Seems kinds of dumb, huh?”

“Dere amn't no shames for me in sex, because I likes to feel good. What am de crime in dat?”

“I don't sees one, from you perskektive.”

“So long as you amn'ts being stupid abouts it, like sleepings wit' people to makes dem likes you or pushings boundaries and t'ing, sex amn'ts dat big a deals. It ams in it own way, but nots big in a way likes how people am scandalsized when dey finds out ot'er peoples do it too. And dat dey likes it.”

“I felts kind of likes that when I first comes to be in Dethklok,” Toki admitted. “Just 'cause you guys was pretties open abouts it. I never saws that before. I relax enoughs to have it now, but I's like you where I don'ts try different thing because I scareds what everyone else say or think. But this also what I means about waitings for something to gives with you. I wouldn'ts has ever asked you befores, if I didn't sees you earlier. I woulds has never known all those things. So thanks for talking with Toki.”

Toki stretched when he stood, then bid his goodbyes. Skwisgaar could have gone on, as always whenever someone breached a topic he enjoyed discussing, but keeping people longer than they wanted was an easy mistake for him to make. None of the annoyance and discomfort he boasted when Toki first popped in his room lingered, making it easier to mirror how Toki laid before and study his door.

While Skwisgaar fantasized once in a while that Toki bent his assertiveness toward him, he never considered such a thing feasible. After today, he'd almost hazard deeming it otherwise. But whether or not he and Toki were sensible enough to handle such a thing, nothing was possible without in-depth discussion beforehand. Although Toki displayed curiosity, he required experience before dealing with what Skwisgaar needed.

Skwisgaar sighed and rolled over onto his back. Despite some forbidden burgeoning of anticipation in his gut, he couldn't help but think things were a lot easier when their respective secrets remained as such. 


	2. Jealousy

A few days passed with no further word on the topic, and no teasing from the rest of the band confirmed Toki kept his word about staying quiet. Skwisgaar didn't see him again until summoned to a band meeting where, even through yawns and heavy eyelids, they managed to exchange smiles as form of hello.

Charles cleared his throat at the head of the table. “This should be fairly quick, before I let you all go your own way. Crystal Mountain sent me a message late last evening that they'd like to see a new album from you by next spring.”

“Spring?” Nathan frowned. “That's only a winter away.”

“Not this coming spring, the one after that.”

“We gaht aaaaaages.” Pickles grinned crookedly. “Don' werry so much, Charlie.”

“It's not my concern. Not yet, anyway. Although, I do have to say that the last year was, uh, poorly spent.”

“Hey, we did a lot of fucking shows, all right?” Nathan pointed out. “Moscow, Kabul, Dallas, Bwunos Airis—”

“Buenosch Airesch,” Murderface corrected his pronunciation.

“My point is that we've been busy. So don't tell us we've just been slacking like a bunch of dumb fucks.”

“I'm speaking exclusively about the studio. Do you have any demos to show for your work in there?”

The band remained silent.

“You have plenty of head's up, so just start _thinking_ about it, okay? Don't throw your work away so hastily.”

Nathan cracked the first beer when the five of them relocated to the hot tub. “Who does he think he is, telling us when and how to do our work? As I recall, we're _his_ bosses. Am I right in saying that, Pickles?”

“Yeeuh,” he agreed. “We hired 'm, so thet's how thet werks.”

“The way we work worksch. Would we have all thisch schit if we did it the way the label wantsch usch to?”

“ _You_ would, either way.” Nathan narrowed his eyes. “You don't do anything.”

“Fuck you, I'm important to thisch band! Only an asschole like _you_ wouldn't realize that!”

“Prove it.” Nathan turned his attention to the TV, cue for Murderface to trail off into a series of incomprehensible yet spirited mutterings.

Skwisgaar paid him no mind, running through his scales. While the others watched some dildo fix his car exclusively with duct tape, he glanced at Toki infrequently enough to avoid notice. Had he done anything with the knowledge bestowed? Thought about it? A few questions of his own had cropped up. Considering that the subjects of his lecture exposed the utter depths of a human being, Skwisgaar barely knew Toki at _all_ after living with him for eight years. He didn't know _any_ of these guys. Pickles, Murderface, and Nathan, he was content to keep that distance with, but his pre-existing preoccupations with Toki made him naturally curious.

Skwisgaar peered across the way a little too long, finally drawing pale blue eyes in his direction. Although he told himself to fake a chance meeting and redirect to the TV, he couldn't do it. Like the staring contests Toki challenged Skwisgaar to one incredibly boring afternoon, nothing beyond a natural blink could break the spell. He eventually forced himself to back down, certain he couldn't triumph.

“Well, I's enough of a prune for nows, I t'ink.” Skwisgaar announced his departure. He hadn't even settled on the edge of his bed to further practice when a knock came at the door. “Who ams it?”

“Toki. Can I comes in?”

“Ja, shore.” Skwisgaar leisurely reviewed his work so far on the newest solo he composed while Toki made himself comfortable on the corner chair. “Dids you need somet'ing in particlars?”

“Nots really. Just tireds of sitting with them.”

“You t'inks I goings to be more fun?”

Toki watched his fingers fly over the frets. “You's a good pal.”

“Uhh, okays.” Skwisgaar shrugged and kept on playing. Many an afternoon dissipated like this. At first he really didn't care to be watched so closely, but it became normal after enough years. Sometimes Toki just sought out company, in whatever form that came. Sometimes it was easier _not_ to talk.

“Is okay that I ask you advice on things?”

“Things like what?”

“Like what we talks about before.”

Skwisgaar suppressed the instinctive straightening of his spine, not wanting to appear _too_ eager. “Shores.”

“If I wanted to try thing with a guy, how I goes about doing it? How you finds that guy in you stable what comes up here sometimes?”

Fingers gradually speeding up, Skwisgaar pressed his lips together. Some ugly monster inside him tossed in its sleep, excitement immediately forgotten. “You wants to fuck around wit' a guy?”

“You saids it a good thing to experiments, and I never does anything with one before. I wants to give it a shot, sees if I like it.”

“Well. . .” Skwisgaar chewed briefly on his bottom lip. “It amn't easy. I gots lucky. He used to be de klokateer what cleans my room.”

“How he goes from that to this?”

“I tolds him to sucks my dick and he dids.”

Toki frowned. “I trieds that once and I just gots a slap.”

“Sees what I mean? It am all abouts chance. I coulds has easily got slaps too.”

“That sucks.” Toki crossed his arms and slunk more in his chair. “Does Charles organsize you stable? Maybe I ask him. Ugh, but I don'ts really want to talks to him about any of this. . .”

“Ja, woulds be unsbarrassing.” In reality, Charles remained professional when Skwisgaar summoned the guts to alert him of his stable's most recent addition, way back when. “Maybes you should t'ink a bits closer to home.”

“Oh!” Toki's head snapped up. “Cans I borrow you slut, then?”

“No you can'ts borrow my slut!” Dumb dildo! _That_ was his first thought? “Is mine.”

“Fines,” Toki conceded. “Whats you mean then, closers to home?”

“Just a suggestions. I don'ts mean not'ing by it.”

“Whatsever, then. I thoughts you would help me.”

“What make you t'ink I a wizards about finding men to fools around wit'? I onlies find de one. Don'ts you t'ink I woulds has a lots more dan dat, if I coulds?”

“Ugh, this is stupids. Looks at us, sittings around like a couple of homos with nothing goods to put us dick in. We's the biggest band in the whole fuckings world! How cans we not get what we wants?” Toki lamented. “Why it so hards? Evens the wimmins, they come in likes, 'oh! does anything to me!', then they gets all mad when you push they head down or something! What's the deal with that? They saids I could!”

Skwisgaar shifted where he sat. So Toki _did_ conduct himself like that. Ugh, why couldn't he just get the _hint?_ Skwisgaar couldn't come out and say it unless Toki at _least_ indicated interest. 'Close to home' means down the fucking hallway, dildo! “Mostlies dey t'ink you just gonnas do a quick hump and dey can leaves. Dey don'ts really want anys more dan dat.”

“Then why says it? Is stupid!”

Unable to resist, Skwisgaar feigned mild interest while he dove back into his scales. “So you likes bossing dem arounds, huh?”

“Is not like I's telling them does this, does that. Sometimes is just funs to sees them listen.”

“Likes to what kind of t'ing?”

“Like sucks my dick or take off you clothes. Or I pins them down. I can'ts ever do any mores than that before they gets pissy or makes me feel bad because they apparentlys didn'ts want it like that, so how woulds _I_ know?”

Skwisgaar could almost laugh at Toki's frustration. Not because it existed, but that it existed too within _him_. Thank fucking Odin a guitar sat in his lap. He couldn't give himself away more obviously, otherwise. All Toki had to do was give Skwisgaar one look and he'd be there, head between his legs, or naked and pliant beneath him. For once Skwisgaar missed Toki's crude nature. One offhand reference to some primal act could give way to a lot more, with the proper guidance.

Toki pouted. “You're _sure_ I can'ts borrow you slut?”

“No!” Any hint of a good mood diminished from Skwisgaar. He shouldn't be jealous, having nothing explicitly to do with Toki's sex life, but damn it, that didn't mean he was going to help him look elsewhere! “Just goes to bed and sleeps it off. Maybes you feel better in the mornings.”

“Whatevers, like it ever work before.” Hands in his pockets, Toki sulked out of the room. As soon as his footsteps disappeared down the hallway, Skwisgaar leapt up to lock his door. Toki could do whatever he wanted; Skwisgaar already decided _his_ course of action. 


	3. Body Language

Something instinctual always alerted Skwisgaar before his eyes even opened that the first snowfall of the year was upon the land. Rather than lay in bed and wonder if he should even bother to look, he pulled some pants on and opened a blind. The sun remained obscured behind a thick cloud and its relinquishment, but the white lawn more than made up for its lack of light. Skwisgaar reached for his phone. Traditionally, he or Toki always pointed it out to one another. Sure enough, he received a text a couple hours earlier.

_'Sures a lot'_

_'Ja has been coming down all nite!!!! Lets go outside!!'_

_'Kind of cold tho'_

_'Quit being such a pussy n bundle up!!'_

Begrudgingly convinced, Skwisgaar strolled to his closet to dig out his winter wear. He was in the process of berating himself for not sorting gloves into pairs last spring when Toki announced his presence. “You readies yet?”

“Just abouts. Come on in.” Skwisgaar scoffed when he heard the shrieking chafe of snow pants. “What's you wearing dose for?”

“Never knows, I mights want to make snow angels, or gets on a crazy carpets.”

“On whats hill?”

“. . .Well, maybes I want to make snow angels, then. Don'ts you got any snow pants?”

“Ja, but I nevers wear dem.” Skwisgaar compared two gloves similar in appearance, but they were both left-handed. “I hasn't playeds in de snow since I was a kids.”

“Aw, why nots? Is the only things to do with it!”

“De snow ams brutal, Toki,” Skwisgaar replied. “You looks at it, you t'ink about how bleaks and dark you life ams, ands den you writes a song about it.”

“Maybes in Sweden and Norway, but not here! Is a totalies different ball games!” Toki crashed onto the chair. “Come on Skwisgaar, puts on the snow pants and _plays_ with me!”

“Fines, fines. . .”

Rather than head out the door, Skwisgaar towed Toki down to the garage. Their lengthened delay inside Mordhaus led Toki to unzip his jacket and shove his hat into his pocket. “What's we doing down here?”

“I boughts dis t'ing last winter for de fucks of it, never used it.” They passed all their cars, both business and personal purchases, and came upon the corner dedicated to smaller toys. Murderface had an affinity toward ATVs, Nathan toward golf carts, but Skwisgaar bought a snowmobile when shopping led him to the vicinity of one. “You gots any sleds? We ties it up behind.”

Toki gasped with excitement. “I got so manies! Lets me go pick one!”

Skwisgaar tracked down one of the klokateers in charge of the area and half-listened while the lady updated him on recent maintenance and went over how to run it. “I figures it out. It ams a snowmobiles. What ams dere to know?”

“You bought a powerful one, my lord. You might want to go easy.”

“I figures it out,” Skwisgaar repeated with a dismissive wave of his hand. “You t'inks I hasn't driven one of dese, befores? How you starts it, anyway?”

He gave up after the first try on the pull start, relying on the klokateer to get it running and moved outside. Toki came running back after the whiff of gasoline dissipated and wayward flakes darted inside through the open bay doors. “Okays, I ready!”

Skwisgaar sat backward on the seat and watched Toki secure his snow racer with a thick rope. “You shore it'lls hold?”

“Prettys sure. I just floats to a stop if it snap, anyways.” Toki sunk a couple inches in the snow when he jumped onto the GT. “Okay, now goes _real_ fast!”

The machine jerked ahead with the lightest push on the throttle. Toki weaved back and forth when they plateaued at a good speed, glee audible over the low, rumbling engine. He especially enjoyed corners, leaning inward and spraying any and all he could with a fine white curtain. A couple klokateers jumped out of the way and some yard wolves took a half-assed chase; most were too intimidated by all the noise to even poke their heads out, though.

Toki held up his hand to make Skwisgaar stop, grin wide. “Goes to one end of the yard and let's see how fast we cans go!”

“You shore dat ams a good idea? You mights get hort.”

“I just jumps on with you, then. I wants to go fast.”

Skwisgaar massaged his right hand while Toki detached his GT. He'd taken to using his palm to maintain their speed once the muscles in his thumb grew too sore. “We comes back for dat if you wants to go longer.”

“My face's starting to gets cold.” Toki's cheeks and nose indeed reddened, even behind his balaclava. Some snow clung to his eyelashes. “Maybes we come back out later, but I kinds of want some hot chocolates.”

“Ja.” Skwisgaar only dealt with wind, not flying snow, but his skin too tightened and numbed. “Climbs on, den. Let's see what we gets it to.”

The nights wishing for Toki pressed up behind him like this had to be pushed from Skwisgaar's mind. He concentrated on the snowmobile instead, since that klokateer was right that he picked a powerful one. He only let it get to fifty miles an hour before tapering off; any higher, and the snowmobile wobbled on its track. His heart raced at any rate, and Toki's arms tightened around his middle when he laughed. “Wowee, does it agains!”

“Uh oh.” Skwisgaar pointed at the nearest entrance to Mordhaus after a couple more goes. Nathan and Pickles stood there with their arms crossed, expressions stern when the Scandinavians slowly approached and killed the engine.

“Whet the hell're you two doin', goin' thet fast?” Pickles asked. “You coulda hert yerselves! Then whet? There goes the band!”

“Yeah, guys. You gotta think a bit more before you start racing around, going all fucking fast, and. . .hm.” Nathan stared at the snowmobile. “Actually kinda looked like fun.”

Pickles sighed. “Nate, remember we were gonna be a team about this.”

“But Pickles, look at it this way. They didn't get hurt, right?”

“No. . .”

“Maybe, uh. . .” Nathan looked back at Skwisgaar. “Can we use that? Just for a bit?”

“Does what you want.” Skwisgaar dismounted after Toki. “We goings in.”

“Why?”

“We gots cold.”

“No, stay out and watch us.” Nathan pointed at a klokateer. “You! Make a fucking fire, or some shit.”

“All rights!” Toki exclaimed. “And brings to us hot chocolates and marshmallows!”

The snowmobile screamed up and down the yard after Nathan and Pickles dressed more appropriately for the weather. Over by the picnic table, a substantial pile of wood crackled and burned underneath a pair of treats suspended on sticks. “Okays, I admit it. Dis was kinds of a fun day.”

“It was greats.” Toki peeled another layer off his marshmallow, too impatient to wait for the entire thing to cook. “I mights want to go some more if it isn't dark when they's finally done.”

Skwisgaar peered at his golden snack, a perfectionist himself. He was done playing for the day, but he could stand to sit out here a while longer. Perhaps as a hangover from his youth, bullshitting around a fire denoted special occasion. It brought back some of the happiest, non-guitar related memories Skwisgaar had of Sweden. Parents and socioeconomic status never mattered here, in the small world illuminated by orange glow.

He chuckled as Toki attempted to work some cooled marshmallow out of his fu manchu, garnering his attention. “What so funny? _You_ got a big blobs of it what looks like jizz.”

“Where?”

Toki smeared his thumb in the crease of Skwisgaar's jowl. “Rights there.”

“Thanks.” Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and scratched at it with his thumb nail.

“Aw, leaves it. Is becomings to you.”

“How come no one ever tellsch _me_ when you're all going outschide?” The bassist loudly announced himself, making them both jump. “I juscht schat around like a fucking dildo for an _hour_ , waiting for all you asscholesch to get out of bed. . .”

Murderface put himself in control of the marshmallows, doling them out to the rest of the band when the snowmobile finally ran out of gas. Skwisgaar kept mostly quiet while the others settled in and Pickles brought some booze out of his pocket. Did Toki _really_ think about him with jizz on his face, or was he just teasing? Either prospect made him drink a bit too deeply when the flask was handed to him.

While Pickles didn't mind sharing under his own volition, he gripped his drink when Nathan tried to take it. “No, it's mine!”

“You two suck at sharing. Give me some fucking marshmallows, and give me some fucking booze.”

“Git yer own!”

“I didn't hear you schay the magic word. . .”

Klokateers arriving with more whisky created a nice change from their usual evenings in the hot tub. When the cold finally got to him, Skwisgaar fell back onto his seat after attempting to stand. “Fucks. I guess I'ms a littles drunk.”

Toki giggled. “Come on, I helps you. I hads enough of this anyway.”

Testing the waters, Skwisgaar drug his feet more than necessary. Toki stood him up against the wall outside his bedroom. “You cans make it from here?”

“I don'ts know. . .”

“Come on, thens. Oh, don't sits on you bed, you's gonna gets it all wet if you don'ts undress first.” Toki pulled Skwisgaar's gloves and hat off, then instructed him out of his jacket. Before he could prompt Skwisgaar on tending to his lower half, his gaze dropped as his coat zipper in kind came down. “What's you doings?”

“I's not _dat_ drunk,” Skwisgaar told him. Maybe with some alcohol in their systems, the ice would break. His gaze flicked up to gauge the other man. Toki didn't pull away when fingers crept up under his shirt and grazed over his abs. With fear and foresight successfully repressed, Skwisgaar slipped two fingers into the waistband of Toki's pants and leveraged himself closer. “What's you t'ink?”

“I thinks maybe you _are_ drunk.” Seeming to snap back to his senses, Toki removed Skwisgaar's touch from his body.

“I ams pretty sure I wasn'ts drunk all dose times I jacks off t'inking about you.” Skwisgaar paused. “A couples time, maybe.”

“You—whats?”

“It takes all I cans not to gets a boner when you beings bossy wit' de sorvants.” Despite Toki's warning about getting his bed wet, Skwisgaar plopped down on its edge. “Why you looks at me like dat? You t'inks I wouldn'ts want it dat way?”

Toki shifted where he stood, hands balling into fists.

“Maybes I get tired of tellings people what to do, sometimes.” Skwisgaar kicked his boots off. “Maybes I like it _every_ way.”

“If you's joking, you better quits.”

“Or whats?”

Force centre-chest easily pushed Skwisgaar onto his back. Stringy, brown hair dangled above his face, the blue eyes framed within challenging him to take back everything he said. When he didn't, Skwisgaar let his head be turned in order for Toki to gain access to his neck. A tingle in his skin transformed to fire when the first jab of pain pricked his collarbone. Flat, greedy hands roved his body, behaving like magnets in how they shifted him. Did this really happen, or did wishful thinking simply become incredibly intense while intoxicated?

Toki lifted his head abruptly to study him. “I can'ts tell if this you or if you just reallies drunk.”

“Ams me, keeps going.”

“You says that now, but what's about tomorrow?”

“Will stills be me, why ams you stopping?” A disheartened sigh slumped Skwisgaar's shoulders when Toki stood back up. “Why you gots to quit?”

“Because I not stupids enough to does it this way.”

Skwisgaar sat up, leaning on shaky arms as he watched Toki gather his strewn articles of outside clothing. “At least lets me blow you.”

“You nots doing nothing when you like this.”

“And why nots?”

“Because I won'ts let you. Sleeps it off.”

“Toki—”

“Goes to fucking bed, I's not tellings you again.”

Unable to believe Toki could pull away that quickly or easily, low spirits slowed Skwisgaar in getting his snow pants off. He shivered, thanks to the combination of wet clothes and electrified nerves, and immediately tried to make rid of the yearning Toki left him with. The inflammation where teeth worked at his skin throbbed as his adrenaline wore off, as helpful as a ghost but better than nothing. 


	4. Love vs. Whips and Chains

Skwisgaar fought consciousness off as long as he could the following afternoon, then rolled out of bed when his headache forced him to seek out water. Intent on the tub, he stalled when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. Maybe more happened last night than he remembered. Toki did quite a number on him. He'd have to steer clear of the hot tub until the marks faded, and hopefully they would hide beneath his clothes.

He continued to study them after getting the bath going. All considered, should he be concerned about backlash? They saw nothing completely through, but Toki didn't rebuke him. He wanted it; Skwisgaar could see with his mind's eye where insistent touch molded his skin like clay. Totally sober, he could appreciate now that Toki stopped them when he did. Skwisgaar would've woken up in panic should they have gone any further, for what if Toki only used his keenness for a cheap blow job? Or worse, a fuck? Not that Skwisgaar paid enough attention to his ass to fit a dick in there. . .

A cold glass of water combined with a hot bath nearly caused Skwisgaar to doze off again. However, the sound of someone infiltrating his room opened one of his eyes. He grew used to klokateers coming and going as they kept his quarters pristine, but they were usually quieter than that. His head snapped up when knuckles rapped against the bathroom door. “Ja?”

“Is me.”

“Comes in if you wants.” To maintain decency, Skwisgaar pulled his knees up to his chest. Nerves collected in his stomach when he found himself unable to read Toki. What if he only went as far as they did because of the booze?

Toki waltzed right over to the tub and sat down at its edge. “So. Last nights.”

He wanted to get right to it, then? “Ja.”

“How drunks was you _really?_ ”

Skwisgaar shrugged. “A bits.”

“You don'ts tell me to goes away, likes I thought you might if you wasn't sures about what we do, so tells me the truth about the stuff you say. If you remembers.”

Skwisgaar cursed his warming cheeks. He shouldn't be embarrassed about this shit, after stating that no shame lie in the things that made him feel good. Admitting something so personal when Toki played such a role in it was an entirely different story, though. “I didn'ts lie about anyt'ing.”

“So you reallies jack off thinkings about me?”

“You goings to make funs of me if I admits it?”

“You already has admits it, but no, I don'ts make fun of you.” Rather, Toki shifted from sitting to laying on his stomach again. “Tells me why.”

“Dis amn'ts nearly as easy to talks about as dose ot'er t'ing I tells you,” Skwisgaar prefaced what would more than likely come as a jumble of thoughts. If only he could speak objectively again. “You remembers I told you dere am t'ing I wants but can't get?”

Toki nodded.

“Is okays to find peoples what wills do t'ing you tells dem to because you don'ts got to be secrets about it, but when you wants people to do t'ing to _you_ , it am a wholes different story.” Skwisgaar rested his head on his knees. “So I's as frustrateds as _you_. Is stupid, isn'ts it?”

“I think I gets the 'close to home' thing, now.” Toki paused. “Is that sort of thing whats you might want with me, or just a thing you thinks about?”

“I's not really sure. I t'inks about it, but dere am so many _ot'er_ t'ing to t'inks about forst. We has been friend a long time, and I thoughts it bad enough I t'ink about you likes dat. Den dere am de ot'er guys, if dey founds out, de band, what would happen if peoples outside of here learns about it. . .wit' all dat, it amn't so realistics. Den dere was de fact dat I didn'ts even know you t'ink about guys.”

“I hasn'ts done anything with one yet, but I would stills like to try,” Toki stated. “You's right about there's more than just us to thinks about. Remembers what I said, though, that once _you_ do something likes that, the other guys woulds probably not sees it as a big deal.”

“I believes dey would be more concern about two of de band members doing t'ing. Dey problies wouldn't cares if I gets a guy or lady what does t'ing to me once in a whiles, but I t'ink it change when it am you. It amn'ts just me doings my t'ing, now it am an _us_ t'ing.”

“So what's we supposed to do? Just sits around like this and does nothing abouts it?” Toki frowned. “We can'ts figure something out? Keeps it a secret, thing like that? Who say anyone gots to know? We pals around a lot by us own. Maybes we beens doing it the whole time, how woulds anyone even knows any different?”

“Dat would fix de t'ing wit' de band and de ot'er guys, but what about us? I don'ts want dis to turns into some uglies drama. I. . .” Skwisgaar pressed his lips together. “I fuckeds around wit' porson in my old bands, back in Sweden. It don'ts work dat well.”

“Is just sex though, Skwisgaar. How does it goes wrong? I wouldn'ts even ask you to stops doing stuff with other peoples. If we don'ts work right, we quits. What so hards about that?”

“Wit' how long we been friends, it wouldn'ts be easy. Dere am always de possibilities of gettings mad at each ot'er if we gots to stop.”

“If I's too much for you, then I tries to find someone else. Wouldn'ts you do the same?”

“Nots like I could. And see, I alreadies don't like de idea dat I coulds be dat replaceables.”

“But is just sex. If I's not good for you or you nots good for me, then the natural things to do is stop. It don'ts make either of us anys less of a person or bads in bed, or anything. It just isn'ts us preferences.”

Good point. Also, the possibility that Toki might bring his own slut into Mordhaus couldn't even breach Skwisgaar's mind without a flush of jealousy. He shouldn't sway favourable just because of that, but he already foresaw how crazy he would get if Toki got what he wanted elsewhere. He wouldn't be able to stand spending every night in the same stupid fantasy when he could've had it for himself.

“Does you need time to think about it?”

“I don'ts know.” Skwisgaar distracted himself by checking his hair for split ends. “I comes from de same place as you. I hates not gettings dis, and every times I don't I gets more fruskrate. So somet'ing gots to give dere. I t'inks about dis, ja, but I didn'ts really t'ink it would ever happen. I still tryings to get my mind wrapped around dat.”

“Ja, well, we all gots thing to get used to. I can'ts believe you let me bite you like that, wowie.” Toki lifted Skwisgaar's chin to admire his handiwork.

Something as simple as Toki's pupils dilating chipped away at Skwisgaar's dissatisfaction. Although a little scary, how could he resist the prospect of more? Why do themselves the disservice of withholding, in favour for their mutual frustration? Like Toki said, if they agreed that resentment had no place in a potential end, should they not actually be sexually compatible, what stopped them from at least trying?

“Cans I ask you somet'ing?”

“Goes ahead.”

“Befores we talk about anyt'ing else, I wants to hears what you know about pretties much de most importants part of a t'ing like dis: aftercares.”

“Kinds of like when you gets a tattoos or piercings, or whatever?”

“Same sorts of idea, ja. But wit' a porson you does dis wit', unless de porson don'ts want it, it ams courtesy to gives it. Is veries easy to feels. . .” Skwisgaar didn't want to say vulnerable, “. . .overwhelms after dat sort of t'ing.”

Toki resumed attentive posture. “So whats kind of stuff woulds I do?”

“For one, you takes care of physical t'ing. Like if I's bleeding for whatevers reason, if I's t'irsty, or if I's gotten cold—”

“Cold?”

“When t'ing get intense, de body tempserature rise, and den it falls real sudden after. Ands den dere am t'ing abouts inside my head. I gots to comes down from it. You knows what I mean? It ams hard to does dat alone, and is goods to know dat it was goods for you too.” Skwisgaar paused. “It amn'ts just confine to me, though. Dere am t'ing _you_ mights need. Like maybes you t'ink you goes too far and you wants to hear ot'erwise.”

Toki furrowed his brow. “That sounds almost more romantics than just sex.”

“It don'ts has to be romantics. Maybe some of de t'ing sort of falls under de same catsagorization, but remembers too dat BDSM amn'ts all about sex. If you wants to has sex what am just a t'ing you cans walk away after, den you won'ts be able to dominates me in any way. And if we just doings de quick blow jobs or hump like wit' a groupie, den what ams even de point of havings dis conversations when we gets dat elsewhere? You sees my meaning?”

“I never saids I wouldn'ts do it. I just tryings to imagine it, and I sees us doing things like layings in bed together afters or like. . .kissing.”

“Dat cans be a part of aftercare too.”

“So is you sayings you woulds let me kiss you?”

“Woulds it be weird?”

“I don'ts know. Is weird to imagines you letting me. Then agains. . .” Toki's gaze returned to Skwisgaar's collar bone. “You's already lets me do more.”

Skwisgaar would be lying to himself—and Toki—if he didn't find the idea of simple gestures like kissing and touch comforting for such an afterglow. There _were_ pretty murky waters between what they intended and something leaning more toward love; the amount of trust necessary, for one, and the resultant bond certainly couldn't be ignored. If they discussed this thoroughly, then the possibility of one or both developing an emotional attachment needed to be put out there.

Toki sighed. “Another thing I not sures about. I wants to say that if we was capables of a thing like that, wouldn'ts it has already happens? We beens friend a long time. Just because of that and ifs we gettings rid of the things what build up inside us, it don'ts make us a couple. So longs as we don't sees it like that, right?”

“We's gonna feel different t'ing for each ot'er, since it ams unavoidables in dis sort of sex. If you's good wit' me I's going to holds a lot of trust for you, and you's going to cares for me because of how hards I work to be good for _you_. I t'ink maybe it am just importants dat we don'ts get dat confuse wit' somet'ing else? It ams a saying I saw somewhere, dat love bring peoples close, but whips and chains bring dem evens closer.”

Toki laughed. “I think that fair to say. Alls of that. We just can'ts get confuse.”

A bit more certain with that consensus, Skwisgaar uncurled himself and leaned over the edge of the tub. “Tries it den, if you wants.”

“Whats?”

“Kissing me.”

Toki blinked. “You serious?”

“Shores, why not. Gets de forst one over wit', den it don'ts got to be all awkwards later.”

“You nots just kiddings around?”

“No, I's cool wit' it.”

Adhering to an entirely different set of needs would require practice on Skwisgaar's part; he didn't question when Toki forewent his mouth and instead pressed his lips to each of the marks left the previous night. Maybe he needed to build up to something like that, and Skwisgaar couldn't blame him.

Right from the get-go they were unspoken allies, sharing an instrument, geography, and familial language. Skwisgaar eased Toki's culture shock the way no one ever bothered for him, and Toki breathed life into the overly serious, dark apartment Nathan tagged Mordhaus in a drunken stupor. They poked fun at each other's homelands and mused year-round how the weather compared first to Florida, then to New England's coast when Mordhaus was built and the city of Mordland sprung up around it. Skwisgaar took it upon himself to teach Toki English and always pretended to be stern when he slipped back into his mother tongue. Then again, he too for a while would indulge whenever no one else was around. After all that, a kiss was never _just_ a kiss. They entered entirely foreign territory, with only the other to count on. Exempting most recently, Skwisgaar would've never pictured them here. How could he? Relative to the length of their history, this all happened so fast.

Their noses brushed before Toki tested the water with a lingering peck. Hot breath cooled and required Skwisgaar to rewet his lips before Toki leaned in again, caution blooming into the very assertiveness that first caught Skwisgaar's attention. Toki held the back of his head, taking any and all relinquished to him. Skwisgaar followed him as a result, leaning in again in search for more when Toki ended their contact.

Toki ran his thumb lightly over Skwisgaar's cheek, chuckling. “What?”

“Not'ing.” Skwisgaar's heart beat like a jackrabbit on the run.

“If we's going to do this, I wants you to writes down everything you wants to happen to you,” Toki told him. “I does the same about what I wants to do. We gets it figure out, what we cans and can'ts do, and goes from there. Ja?”

He left shortly after, so that Skwisgaar could finish up in the bath and get to work on his task. As soon as he disappeared from the bathroom, Skwisgaar mindlessly reached up to touch his lips. Then he pulled the plug. 


	5. In the Dark

“Okay, so here's the deal, guys,” Nathan addressed Skwisgaar and Pickles when they gathered in the studio. “We're gonna try really, really hard. I know this isn't going as well as usual, but we're gonna give what Charles said a shot and just not throw away what we do. Let's see what happens.”

Pumping out songs in volume only left more for Nathan to trash at the end of their session. Skwisgaar and Pickles shared a glance after the computer confirmed their work's non-existence. “Maybes tomorrow will be better?”

“Not hard to beat this,” Nathan replied. “Fuck, what's wrong with us? This used to be the easiest thing in the world.”

“It still ams, we just gots higher standard.” Skwisgaar plucked away at his guitar.

“It's still the best crep we ever wrote. Why'd you delete it so fast?”

“Ams better dan hasing its deleted as one big t'ing when we's under de wire. . .”

Skwisgaar empathized with Nathan, but the entire recording process this time around left him incredibly frustrated. While the other two guys headed for the recreation room, Skwisgaar's belt hit his bedroom floor with a _clink_. He stalled to feel out his body's electricity, to run his nails over his hips and imagine Toki gripping them tight enough to leave marks. The collection of toys he used as improvisation was the only thing keeping him sane through this entire spell of deprivation. Why did Toki wait so long to make his move? They'd spoken at length about what was within and off limits, palled around in the meantime, but touch remained a stranger. Maybe Toki liked seeing him squirm.

When Skwisgaar felt ready, he coated a plug with lube, leaned back on his bed, and eased it inside. Just as it was about to settle into place, he rolled his hips forward and had it simultaneously press against his prostate. He attempted a few times to replicate the feeling of something moving in and out of him, but it still left girth to the imagination. Not that it disappointed Skwisgaar _too_ much. He'd only clock an entirely new experience when he graduated from silicone to flesh. Hopefully that happened sooner than later. At least he didn't have to count on it—between his stables, drawer, and hand, he managed to tide himself over until Toki's will bent toward him. A window of alleviation left his body loose and relaxed as he later met up with everyone else in the hot tub.

“Oh! Goes to _People Fishing in Alaska!_ ”

“I'm already recording it for later, Toki.”

“I don't get how you guysch can schtand that show. It'sch too schimilar to _People Living in Alaschka_ and _People Mining in Alaschka_.”

“Ams all de same craps, people hammings it up for de camera by lookings way out in de distance and trailings off when they speak about the long cold winters. _Pff_. You knows what you do? Instead of doing de bigs dramatic rush for firewoods and food, how 'bouts you gets it done in de summer and fall like everyone else? Oh, big surprise! Here comes de snow! Didn't see _dat_ coming again!”

“Those shows are for people what lives in cities,” Toki agreed. “To makes them think living in the wilderness is tough all the time.”

“Looks at dis douchebag!” Skwisgaar indicated the screen. “De ice claims you whole family? Well den quits walking on it!”

“Hey, _People Living Off-Grid in Alaska_ is a fantastic program,” Nathan grumbled.

“Yeeuh, it's neat to know there's a place in my country thet's not completely run over wid concrete.”

“Ja, Alaska am the _only_ colds, isolateds place in de whole world. Dat am for sures.”

“Whats you expect, Skwisgaar? Is American TVs.”

Nathan grunted. “Fine, no shows about Alaska. So what do you wanna watch instead, then?”

“ _We Tow Thingsch_ isch new tonight.”

“That show's just a ripoffs of _We Tow Things Too!_ ”

“Ands _We Also Tow T'ing!_ ”

“I wanna watch _A Pawn Shop in Some Big City_!” Pickles piped in.

“ _Cajun People Doing Cajun Thingsch!_ No, _Rednecksch Do the Darndest Thingsch!_ That schows fucking hilariousch!”

Nathan passed it all by. “Anyone know if _People Hitting Things With Axes_ is any good?”

“Nah, I checked it out.” Pickles sipped his cocktail. “Turns out it's jest trees.”

“Does anyone _really_ care what I put on?”

“All TV schucksch.”

“Oh good, now that we've established that, we can find a show that might still make sense after missing the first five minutes.”

“I thoughts we agreed no shows about Alaska!”

Skwisgaar didn't really care what Nathan picked. He shifted where he sat; ever since his arrival, any glance at Toki confirmed that he was either being stared at or watched. Toki looked away whenever caught, but always came back to it. Suspicious of what it meant, even though he readily misread everything as an advance, Skwisgaar headed early for bed. Toki didn't immediately follow, so Skwisgaar must have misconstrued a motive yet again. . .or so he thought.

A shake of his shoulder caused him to groan. “I'ms trying to sleep.”

The mattress depressed closer to Skwisgaar and the fire he sought so vainly scorched his lower stomach when teeth nipped his shoulder. Any hint of fatigue immediately abandoned his body. “Shuts up.”

Skwisgaar tilted his head back to allow more access, legs already unconsciously spreading. _Finally_. Through his excitement, he crushed the urge to spur Toki on. He'd get what he wanted. He simply needed to be patient and let this unfold as Toki chose. The notion to remind him not to leave marks where the others could see too went quashed. They'd already discussed that, and Skwisgaar didn't want the first thing they really tried marred by disrespecting Toki's ability to remember such important details.

Skwisgaar shifted whenever Toki found somewhere ticklish, and pressed his lips together to suppress noise as another tight grasp found him between his legs. In any other circumstance of life, he'd probably cry like a bitch if someone did this to him. Tolerance changed at Toki's hand; rather than injury, he only experienced respite from something at his most primitive level. The need to be dominated, as irritating as being flicked in the nose when unfulfilled, finally began to wane.

“You takes more than I thought you woulds,” Toki told him when he relinquished. “Figureds you'd be a chicken by nows.”

The mattress groaned as Toki stood. Skwisgaar at first assumed he'd leave, but boots hit the floor and the zipper on his jeans made a short protest. Fingers ran through his hair, paying no mind toward the knots they drove through. Not that it mattered; Toki seized a handful of it above the nape of Skwisgaar's neck and drug him over to the edge of the bed. He earned a slap for the whimper of pain, then another for his resultant gasp. “Shuts the fuck up and sucks me off. And you betters be good at it.”

Many years passed since Skwisgaar did such a thing, but he wouldn't let that disappoint Toki. Too bad he came straight from the hot tub. Skwisgaar looked forward to discovering what he actually tasted like, rather than getting the chemical flavour of chlorine. He reacquainted himself with the sensation, anatomy, and method anyway, explorative until Toki reminded him with a yank of his hair that he had a reason to be there. The taut grasp on his head gradually transformed to a gentle pet as Toki's breathing grew deeper and heavier. Unsure whether he should spit or swallow, Skwisgaar hazarded the latter.

Complete calmness draped over him as Skwisgaar's mouth was left empty. Something caressed his cheek and when he turned his face more toward it, a fingernail distinguished itself against his swollen, oversensitive lips. He still throbbed between his legs, the ghost of pain and unspent need weaving together as a new misery. Toki sat down beside him, close enough for their hips to press. “Comes here.”

Toki may have finished, but he didn't end it yet. Only with the brush of facial hair and gentle lips against his own did Skwisgaar realize just how badly he needed kindness. He lost the last of his control, leaning closer and wordlessly begging for more until Toki broke their affection with a breathy chuckle. “Lay downs, ja? I'll stays with you a while.”

Just when Skwisgaar accepted he might be on his own for release, Toki pulled his leg back over his own and took hold of him again. A nibble on Skwisgaar's earlobe preceded a kiss well-placed enough over the canal to send a shiver down his spine. “You's gonna be good for me. What's about _you?_ ”

Skwisgaar nodded. “Dis was exacklies what I need.”

“Why don'ts you tell me mores what you think about when you's alone?”

Skwisgaar's eyelids fluttered shut. Thanks to the hand between his legs and lips against his shoulder, he let go of any hesitancy. “You fuckings me whenever you want, makings me do whatever you needs me to, callings me t'ing, tyings me up, hortings me, whippings me, humiligatings me, chokings me, bossing me around, puttings me on a collar and leash. . .”

“Tells me something specific. What's you think about the most?”

“You tyings me down so I can'ts move, making it so dat I can't see, speaks, any of dose t'ing—” Skwisgaar braced himself against Toki's hip as the idea of it lurched him forward, “—and just usings my bodies until you done wit' it. Like I's. . .like I's not'ing but a hole to you.”

Beyond calm, only white static composed the world around Skwisgaar as his body stilled and Toki nuzzled his hair. A rush of relief birthed a peaceful smile on Skwisgaar's face. Wrapped up tight in blanket and embrace, he felt validated that what he and Toki just did was all right.

Skwisgaar rolled over in his arms. “Before you goes. . .”

The hands that subdued grew kind and light over Skwisgaar's back and hips, then on his neck as Toki held him close. Their foreheads touched when the need to breathe forced a break. “You know I won'ts do anything to hurts you in a bad way, right?”

“I t'ink you's proven dat.”

“I wants you to feel safe and goods about what we do.” Toki pushed hair away from Skwisgaar's face. “And I understand you have thing you likes to be on top of, like the guitar and band. There's lots of side to both of us, but this just one. I guess we lucky we got each other to gets it out of our system, ja?”

Skwisgaar kissed him again as sign of agreement. With his elation fading along with the flood of chemicals in his brain, his grip receded in necessity. When he was certain he could handle being alone again, he nudged Toki's shoulder. “Lets me know next time you feels up to somet'ing, and I see where my head ams.”

“Okay.” Toki sat up on the edge of the bed and groped around for his clothes. With the sun edging up against the horizon, Skwisgaar could see his silhouette. He seemed to stand taller, more certain of himself. “Sees you later.” 


	6. Pranks

A proper sulk bent Skwisgaar's spine and thin paper crinkled anytime he shifted as he waited for the doctor to come back. Routine or not, he always dreaded his annual physical. Only a cold and the odd upset stomach marred the past twelve months, and he'd completed the sexual health portion before he and Toki chanced mixing bodily fluids. Why couldn't this stupid doctor just get everything done in one go?

“Everything came back negative. No cancer, good cholesterol, whatever.” The doctor sighed. “No little stuff either. Good for another year. Whatever.”

Skwisgaar departed for the hot tub, where he'd left Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface behind in order to obtain his results. Nathan grunted when he saw him. “How'd _your_ visit go?”

“Healt'y like a horse, just likes I t'ought,” Skwisgaar huffed. “No one's got not'ing serious?”

“Juscht the schame schtupid crap.”

“Gahtta quit drinkin', blah blah blah. . .”

“Going back next week for a liver transplant, but that's about it.” Nathan scratched above his scar. “Getting kinda sick of those. Oh well. Fact of life, I guess. Right?”

“Anybodies hear from Toki yet?” With a chorus of negative responses, Skwisgaar grabbed his phone. _'How doctor go 4 u?'_

_'Good. Diabetes dont get worse and beside that, ok'_

Skwisgaar passed the news onto the others. They seemed to care more that Nathan crammed three entire packs of gum into his mouth in one go, just to see how much could fit. _'Same. I hate going there when i no i dont need 2'_

To his relief, existence in Mordhaus outside of his and Toki's integrated sex lives remained unaffected. Nathan made a comment the previous week that Toki seemed more calm lately, but no one cared enough to discuss it in depth. Objectively, it was true; even the klokateers earned a bit of a break. As for Skwisgaar, he definitely felt better. With his need to submit under control, he could take charge again in other areas of his life. Sure, Nathan still trashed whatever they came up with in the studio, but his finger sometimes hesitated before tapping the Delete key.

“Nate, Nate, c'mere.” Pickles grinned crookedly and whispered something in his ear. When Skwisgaar turned away to set his phone by his pants he staggered back as his hair got yanked. The other guys laughed when he fell into the centre of the tub.

“What de fucks you do _dat_ for?” he demanded. Something still pulled on his hair when he resituated, weighed against his back, and he gasped when he found the wad of gum thoroughly enough entangled that getting it out himself wasn't a quick fix. “You ams a bunch of fuckings assholes! Why you does dat?”

“Pickles dared me. It's not like I could say no.” Nathan shrugged, grinning. “C'mon, lighten up. It was just a joke.”

“It ams only a joke untils I cuts off as much hair on _you_ head as _I's_ about to lose!” Pissed, Skwisgaar left them behind. After collecting scissors from his bathroom, he carried on to find Toki. The quiet music inside his room quit when Skwisgaar knocked. “Hey Toki, opens up a minute. I needs you help.”

Toki's eyes widened when he appeared. “Wowie! What happened?”

“Fuckings Nat'an, dats what!” Skwisgaar pushed inside. “He cheweds up a whole shitsload of gum and then slaps it on my head!”

“Whats you want me to do?”

“I needs you to cuts it out. And den I gots to get him back.”

“Ja, okay. Come take seats.”

Skwisgaar gracefully lowered himself onto Toki's desk chair. “Just make sure it amn't unevens. Woulds take forever to grows back.”

“I tries my best.”

Skwisgaar sat completely still, feeling out every tug in hopes Toki could keep his word on that. He demanded to see what came off his head when Toki declared himself done. “Dat fuckings asshole. I don't gots no bald spots, do I?”

“Don'ts be ridiculous, is fine.” Toki ran his fingers through it. “Is only about four inches shorter.”

“He ams fucking lucky it wasn'ts more. I shoulds go into his room and cuts _all_ hims hair off while he sleep. _Den_ it wouldn'ts be so funnys!”

“Maybes you take time to think about it, ja? You mights change you mind when you not mad no mores. Besides, he would problies kill you.”

“I won'ts change my mind, but you right. I take some time to t'ink up somet'ing better dan cuttings his hair. He won'ts know what fuckings hit him.”

“Yous will think diffsrent when you calms down.” Toki plopped down onto his bed. “Is just hair.”

“ _Is just—?_ ” Skwisgaar frowned. “It amn'ts just abouts _hair_ , Toki! It ams about honours! Prides!”

Toki laughed. “Prides! You takes this too far, Skwisgaar. Was just a dare. Lets it go.”

“So you ams telling me dat if I didn'ts come up wit' a _reals good_ revenge, you wouldn'ts want to takes part?”

That changed Toki's stance. Just like stealing Murderface's credit card, or the time they threw his Civil War shoes to the yard wolves and then strategically placed them so that blame fell on Fatty Ding Dongs, Toki yielded. “Wells. . .depends. You gots any ideas yet?”

Skwisgaar pulled the chair over to the bed. “Not reallies. I's t'inking about cuttings de brake lines on he bike, but dat mights fuck wit' _us_ too.”

“Ja, that's no goods.”

“Makes him believe he gots kervicals cancer?”

“I thinks only ladies get that. . .”

“In he ball, then.”

“Meh.”

A bottle of vodka fuelled their brainstorming, but not until Skwisgaar slouched drastically in his seat did his eyes widen. “I gots it. De porfect plan.”

“Ooh, tells it to Toki.” His hair grew stringy in his face.

“We gets my stable slut and gets him to goes into Nat'ans room after he am asleep, undress, and just lays in Nat'an's stupid bed for whens he wake up. Ands get him to convince Nat'an dey slepts together!”

“Isn'ts that pretties mean, though? You know how Nathan think about them things.”

“Dat am de points. Putting gum into my hair and then laughings about it am pretty mean too, I t'ink so! Espesklies when he know how long it take to grow out.”

Toki giggled. “I hopes he fall for it. Wills be funny.”

The stable slut arrived fifteen minutes later. He removed his hood and looked back and forth between them. “Both of you at once, or. . .?”

“Dere ams bigger fisk to fry. I brings you up here under false prekences. Does you know where Nat'an's bedroom am?”

“I've never been there. Did he ask for me?”

“No, but you am going to convince him he dids.”

“I'm not sure I follow. . .”

Skwisgaar explained the plan as they all snuck down to the corridor's end. Perfect. Nathan hadn't brought anyone home tonight. “Okay, dis am you moments to shine! Goes on! Lets us know how it go!”

But they didn't need a report. Come the afternoon, Skwisgaar was jarred from his sleep by a blood-curdling scream.


	7. Bleach Nightmares

Practiced at keeping a straight face, Skwisgaar nonchalantly took a seat in the dining room. Nathan's eyebrows arched, his mouth fixed into a pout, and a plate of untouched food sat before him. “What was all dat yelling earliers?”

“Nothing,” Nathan answered too quickly. “Just. . .bleach nightmares again.”

“You still has dose?”

“Sometimes.”

“Maybe you should go backs to de doctor—?”

“No! There's nothing wrong with me!”

“If you says so. You am de exports. . .” The neck of Skwisgaar's guitar rested in the crook of his elbow as he texted Toki under the table. _'Come 2 dining room nathan all screwed up inside'_

“Damn, is it rilly two o'clock?” Pickles yawned when he came in. “I coulda got a couple more hours. Thanks, Nate.”

“He am still gets de bleach dreams,” Skwisgaar supplied. “Funny, I don't get dose no mores.”

“Yeeuh, me needer. But Nate did drink like five times more'n us, didn't ya?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did!” Nathan nodded eagerly.

“Good mornings, everyones!” Toki grinned, unable to hide his glee. “I see we all wokes by the same thing. Wowie, Nathan, that sure is some burnt bacons!”

“Leave me alone, Toki. I'm not feeling good.”

“He ams had _bleach dreams_ , Toki.”

“Oh, _bleach dreams?_ ”

“Bleach _nightmares_ , big difference guys,” Nathan grumbled.

“Toki, does you has bleach nightmares anymore?”

“No, I stops having them—”

“All right, I get it, I'm the only one that has those!” Nathan hollered loud enough to silence them. “Now can we just leave it alone so I can fucking eat in peace?”

Skwisgaar's phone beeped in his pocket. _'He got no clue!!!!'_

 _'Just keep it 2gether we cant blow it'_ Skwisgaar sent back. “What ams on de plan for today, anyways?”

“Anyone feel like going on a bender?” Nathan suggested. “I could sure go for one.”

“Heh. Alreddy started.” The ice in Pickles' drink clinked the edge of the glass.

“Not here, somewhere else. Let's get out of Mordhaus for a while. Is everyone here?” Nathan's gaze flitted over Pickles, Skwisgaar, and Toki. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is all of us.”

They clambered into the Murdercycle and shot down the middle of the road. Now that wind carried most of the sound away, Toki let out the laughter he held in. Skwisgaar followed suit, though hid his face from Nathan. How long could they keep this going? Maybe when he caught Toki alone, they should try and plan a second phase. What a disappointment, if Nathan only settled to believe it was some sort of accident.

The first bar they landed in didn't know what hit them. They drank all the booze and carried on, this time escorted by klokateers and joined by a sulky Murderface. Skwisgaar distinctly remembered throwing up on a sidewalk, a notion reinforced by a nasty taste that only more alcohol could rid him off. He blacked out, then came to at yet another location. “Oogh. . .I t'inks I done.”

“Ja,” Toki cooed, sliding down in his seat.

“I'm just getting started.” Nathan wobbled. “Pickles, whadayathink?”

“Yeeuh dood, I'm wid you.”

“Schwedisch and Norwegian pusschiesch can't hold their liquor!”

“Fucks you, you uglies gorilla.” Skwisgaar slid out of the booth and crawled toward the door. “I needs air. Mights be back, I don't know.”

He laid on the sidewalk, regretting every shot he put down his throat. A couple people stopped to take pictures and were promptly addressed by the hooded men surrounding. This was all worth it, Skwisgaar reminded himself, just to see the lengths Nathan would go in order to forget how he woke up.

“Hey.”

Skwisgaar's lolled his head to see who joined him, then pressed his palms into the pavement to ascertain that the world didn't spin. “Holy fucks, Toki. I'm so much more drunk den I ever been.”

“Ja, me toos. I thinks I wants to go home.”

“Ja.”

“I'm sorry, my lords. We only have the one vehicle.”

Skwisgaar groaned. “Then drags us bodies into de car so dat we can start de sleeps off.”

He couldn't pass out sooner. Nathan pushing his legs off the seat woke Skwisgaar up briefly, but he kept dozing. When he couldn't sleep anymore, he groaned and clutched his head. “I needs water.”

“This is so painful,” Toki expressed similar sentiment, voice high and tiny. “And they still goings!”

A klokateer ran down the street and bought a flat of water from a convenience store. Upon his return, Toki and Skwisgaar downed a good number of them. “Ugh, we gots any sunglasses arounds here? Ams too bright, evens wit' de tilted windgoes. . .”

“Oh gods, quit talking, is like needles to my ears.”

“My lords—”

“Shh!” Toki reiterated.

“A second vehicle has arrived from Mordhaus to take you home.”

“Thank fucking Odin.” Skwisgaar rolled off the seat he'd situated on. “I wants to be sicks in my own bed. Dat ams my dyings wish.”

He slept the entire way there and caught the elevator from the garage up to their level. Toki's boots drug more than his own against the floor.

“Still, dat was. . .good job, Toki. We dids good.”

“And now we reaps the rewards.”

Skwisgaar pulled Toki by the wrist into his room. Although he felt too sick and disgusting for anything sexual, that didn't stop them from having a little fun. They'd seen each other in way worse condition after a good bender. In fact, considering how hard they could usually go, this most recent one was a cakewalk.

“I nots really in the mood. . .” Toki said as Skwisgaar tried to pull his shirt off. “I feels pretty crappy. Maybe laters?”

“We don'ts gotta do t'ing like dat. Just stays wit' me a bit, ja?”

Having convinced Toki out of his clothes, Skwisgaar tossed his own onto the floor beside and joined him under the blanket. Lazy groping and affection before sleep was a good way to come down from such a crazy night. As it gave way to yawns on both their parts, Toki shifted away. “Guess I shoulds probably go, ja?”

“Stays here, if you like.”

“Maybes I would, but we mades rule for ourselves.”

“We saids not'ing about not sleepings toget'er.”

Toki chewed his bottom lip. “Is true. . .”

“It don'ts mean not'ing, Toki. Just stays.” Skwisgaar normally didn't mind another body in his bed, so long as they didn't touch him in any way, but he could make a concession. Being this close, after everything, was kind of nice. “If we both wants it, what am de bigs deal?”

“You know what the big deals is.” Toki maintained distance. “Maybes we don't say much about not sleepings together, but we agreeds that we wouldn'ts mistake this for other thing. Nots that this would makes us do that, but it gets a littles too close, maybes?”

Maintaining a friendship with someone he trusted with his sexuality was a lot harder to balance than Skwisgaar initially believed. A little embarrassed, he rolled onto his back. “I sees your point.”

“You's not. . .?” Toki didn't have to find the right way to word his sentence; Skwisgaar understood enough to shake his head.

“Ams just easies to get carrieds away. I keeps it in better check, ams all. Maybe it am best we makes a rule about not sleepings in each other bed?”

Toki nodded. “We gets rid of a grey area.”

“Ams a good idea.” Skwisgaar folded his fingers over his stomach. “I apolgesacs if I makes t'ing weird.”

“We just keeps open about it. You rights that it hard not to get carries away sometime. I confess that sometimes I wants to touch you at time it nots a good idea, like in the hot tub. Doing these thing _do_ makes you feel differents toward a person. When you's mine like that for when we foolings around, is easy to sees you as mine still when we doings other stuff.”

“But you knows I not, rights?”

“Ja. I knows you got your own thing you does, with you stable sluts. I keeps it in check. Is kinds of hard to feels jealous, anyway, when I knows I get mores of you than alls them puts together.”

“I don'ts call dem up as much anymores,” Skwisgaar admitted. “You know, nows dat I not so wounds up all de time.”

“Wowie, you must has been more frustrates than I thought.” Toki threw his jeans back on before sitting on the bed's edge. “And you's sure that what it is, right?”

“Ja, I just don'ts feel de urge as much. Ams good, since now I cans write more for music.”

Toki studied him for sincerity. Satisfied, he pat his thighs and stood. “That's all goods, then. I shoulds go sleep now. I probablies come sees you later or something, if you nots feelings sick.”


	8. Restraint

“Is not too tights, right?”

“Is fine.” Blood still flowed, and Skwisgaar had enough wiggle room in his wrists for comfort. “I t'inks you got it.”

He and Toki sat cross-legged facing each other on Skwisgaar's bed. Since Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles returned to Mordhaus so much later than them, something akin to a vacation transpired. And then, after that, Nathan and Pickles couldn't be assed to meet Skwisgaar in the studio. In the resultant lull for work, Skwisgaar brought up the possibility of stepping up what he and Toki did a notch.

Toki undid the knot and started over. “I's been thinking about something I wants to try.”

“Ja?” Skwisgaar's curiosity increased when Toki hesitated by chewing on his bottom lip.

“I saids it wasn't a thing I could do, but I thinks I change my mind enough to give it a shot. Dids you still wants me to whips you?”

“I'ms games, but it ams all up to you.” Skwisgaar hadn't even thought about Toki's father, when he jotted that down on his list of accepted sexual activities. “If it helps any, it ams a veries different t'ing from. . .”

“Is what I's been thinking about most. I still remembers what it feel like, and you knows as much as me that my dads didn't go easy.” Toki swallowed with difficulty. “I don'ts want to make anyone else feels like he dids me. Evens though I know it different.”

“T'inks about de other t'ing you dones to me what shoulds hort.” They'd spoken about this once before, while comparing their lists, and while Skwisgaar was initially disappointed he couldn't get it, he understood completely. “If you amn't shore, ams okay.”

“I's not worrieds about hurting you. More just whats _I_ would feel while it happen. I wouldn'ts ever does it hard enough to makes you bleed or leaves a scar, but. . .I don'ts know. Maybe I nots ready. I gets nervous, but I still wants to does it.”

“Holds on.” Before Toki could practice his knot again, Skwisgaar crossed the room to his top drawer. He'd bought a riding crop, intended to use on himself whether or not Toki was ever comfortable associating himself with it. Toki chewed on the insides of his lips as Skwisgaar stood before him. “De safest places to hits a porson am de ass, thigh, and uppers back. You stays away from de lower back, kidneys, and de neck, t'ing like dat. And joints, because dat ams where injuries happen. A t'ing like dis don't gots much chance to break skin. It ams more about de noise and de idea of it, nots dat I won'ts feel it. But you knows me, I cans take a lots more dan it. Dis amn'ts much more dan givings me a good slaps on de ass.”

Toki held it forlornly. “Somethings like this isn'ts what I hads in mind when I thinks about whips.”

“It cans be just a startings point, if we evers get comfkable wit' more, or it cans be all we use. We don'ts even gots to use dat if you finds it amn't a t'ing you want to does.”

“Bends over.”

Skwisgaar could still feel it through his jeans. Just to get a sense for it, Toki worked his way up toward something more rousing. “Dat ams about how I likes it, rights dere.”

“Takes off you pants,” Toki instructed him. Naturally, his shirt went too. Skwisgaar pushed all his hair to one side after assuming position on all fours and looked back when his name was spoken. “You tells me right away if I does something you don'ts like. Gots it?”

“I wills.”

While Toki figured out the threshold for leather-to-skin contact, Skwisgaar bowed his head. Even just a little bit of this beat reddening his own backside whenever the urge struck. Toki stopped when a sigh grazed his vocal cords. “Dids you say something?”

“No, ams good.” Hesitation on Toki's part made Skwisgaar look back. He didn't _look_ stressed about it. . .

“Cans I do another thing on tops of it?”

“Likes what?”

“Ties you again.”

“Does whatever you want.” Skwisgaar sat up long enough for Toki to bind his wrists, heart beating with anticipation. He had no idea when they converged that he would get this. In fact, given Toki's background, he'd accepted he might _never_ get to experience it at someone else's hand. Fingers trailed down his spine before leather caressed his backside again. The cool material departed as quickly as it returned, along with a slight sting. Skwisgaar concentrated on overlapping his craving for something louder and harder with patience, silently praying that Toki wouldn't relent once the swish of the crop through air preluded a snap as it made contact. Forehead against his wrists, Skwisgaar eased further into a trance. His skin tingled with electricity as confidence soothed Toki's reservation regarding severity. Although no attention landed between his legs, the blond's brain mimicked the all-too-familiar wash of euphoria and oblivion. As a result, when Toki ceased, Skwisgaar remained groggy, his breathing pattern deep and even.

The bed depressed immediately to his right, then his shoulder was shaken. “Hey.”

“Why you stops?”

“Comes here.”

Skwisgaar's hands trembled as Toki freed him. Another relief came with being held against the individual that gave rise to such peace. He became aware somewhere along the way that Toki's grip on him slowly tightened. “You all rights?”

“I don'ts know. I's just trying to make sense of alls this.”

“I feels _real_ good, if dat help.”

“It do. I gots no doubts about that. Is insides my head.”

“You wants to talks about it?”

“I don'ts know.” Toki's arms tightened. “Just. . .lays with me a bits. I thinks my body decide to have a feelings all on it own and I needs to. . .”

Normally Skwisgaar was the one in need afterward, but he foresaw something like this. Doing that to someone was a big deal for Toki, which could not be undermined. Should he feel bad? Guilt poked through his bliss, whether or not. Had he manipulated Toki into it? Usually he wouldn't do anything unless he truly wanted, though.

Toki sighed. “Is just weird to think something likes that could _evers_ feel good. You hads a very differents experience than me.”

“We don'ts has to does it again, if you don'ts want to. Is a lots, that you try.”

“It isn'ts that. I woulds probably does it again. I likes it while it happen, but I's a bit nervous now. What happens when we makes bad thing good? Does it mean what happens to me was—?”

“No,” Skwisgaar immediately refuted. “Dey ams two veries different t'ing. Dere ams a fine line betweens dis ands abuse. Dis ams wit' consent. Because I asks you to do it, we ams two adults capable of decidings what we does behind close door. When you impose t'ing on someone who don'ts want it, or who amn't capables of deciding dat, den it ams a bad t'ing. Dat am what your dad does. Don'ts you ever t'ink for a minute dat de t'ing what you likes in de bedroom valsidate what bad t'ing happen to yous in de past.”

“But they's connected somehow, right? They gots to be. You tolds me once you coulds tell me why someone like something. You knows me pretty well, so whys do I likes to whip you, Skwisgaar?”

“You shoulds know forst of all dat it amn't because you a bad porson.” Skwisgaar played with Toki's hair, feeling the need in his fingers for preoccupation. “Remembers dat t'ing like dis ams about power. When you a kid, you hads you power takens away by him. Now dat you're olders, you takes it back. It amn't dat you doings de same t'ing as him. If dat was de case, you wouldn'ts want no consents from no one because den it wouldn'ts interest you.”

“Don'ts that mean I's taking _your_ power, then? It gots to come from somewhere, right?”

“Nots when I give it to you willingsly. I mights give up control, but I still gots my power. I don'ts know how to explain de feeling, but is de most soothing t'ing, to gives up dat trust and nots be hort for it. You forgets who, what, and where you am, but you know you safe. Dere amn'ts much more powerfuls dan dat.”

“I don'ts like very much that I get that close to something bad. I beens figuring out this crap abouts my dad when I talk to Twinkletits, but is still a littles nerve-wracking. I don'ts want to be like him, like some guy what makes people scared.”

“You amn'ts. Don'ts you t'ink I mores dan anyone woulds be scared of you?”

“What ifs I do this because I reallies want to hurt you?”

“Den you wouldn'ts be feelings like dis rights now. You wouldn'ts has waiteds to try dis. You would stills be hitting me, waitings to hear me yell red. Den you woulds keep going.”

Toki said nothing for a while. Then, when Skwisgaar assumed he'd be relinquished, his chin was lifted in order to receive a kiss. “You make sense. Evens if I still a littles shaky.”

“It wills pass,” Skwisgaar assured him.

“You was rights about how intense this get.” A deep breath caused Toki's muscles to relax some. “And thats you really gets to know someone when you do this. I hopes you don't think I some kinds of monster.”

“Didn'ts even occur to me.” Skwisgaar kissed him again. “And what's you mean by reallies getting to know someone, ah? Ams dere a t'ing you knows about _me?_ ”

“I think so. You like all kinds of sex is the easiest thing to know, but I thinks it true too that you really likes it when someone takes care of you. That you don'ts got to be in control all the times and thing will still be okay.”

Skwisgaar empathized with Toki all the more as his mind immediately went to his mother. “Oh. . .coulds be.”

“Is funny, the way we find sometimes to deals with that bullshit, huh?”

“I guess it better than beings junky on the street. At least dis am safe. Maybes it a little weird when we puts it in dat light, but. . .” Skwisgaar sighed. “So long as it healt'y and consenswalls, den it am a good t'ing. If it make us feel betters about dat crap, all de more reasons to do it.”  


	9. Wax and Wane

As a result of his own goings-on and reprieve from the other three guys as they recuperated, Skwisgaar completely forgot the prank he and Toki played on Nathan. The next band meeting started off regularly enough, with Charles prodding them for news of progress in the studio. Skwisgaar distracted himself with his guitar, having nothing more to say than the short 'no' Nathan provided, when he received a reminder.

“Hey, shut up a minute,” Nathan cut Charles off. “I've got an announcement to make. A personal one.”

He paused, leading Charles to clear his throat. “What is it, Nathan?”

“It's hard for me to say, okay? Don't rush me.”

“Yeah, don't rusch him, you emotionlessch robot.”

“We have plenty to go over today, so I'd appreciate it if you—”

“I think I might be gay.”

That silenced the room completely, until Toki burst out, “No you aren'ts!”

“Ha, Nat'ans am gay!” Skwisgaar glared at Toki, hoping he'd help perpetuate the situation. “Dat's a laugh! You likes de dick, ah?”

“I believe th' kids call it the D, nowadees.” Pickles picked up a tune, “Nate'n's rollin' in the D, so much D it berns to pee—”

“Scho musch D he can't even schee—”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Nathan roared at his laughing bandmates. Charles leaned forward on the table and rubbed his forehead with a sigh.

“What brings dis about anyway?” Skwisgaar wiped a tear away. “Ams pretties sudden, you was straights de last time I sees you!”

“It'sch a fad.” Murderface plunged his knife into the table. “Everyone'sch coming out nowadaysch. Pretty schoon they'll all creep back into the closchet, becausche it'sch not cool anymore.”

“The world is, uh, full of gay people, Murderface.” Charles restored his glasses to his face. “Let's be serious, now. If Nathan wanted to share this with you all, you shouldn't laugh. It's impolite.”

“Why you thinks you gay?” Toki asked. “I thought you like ladies.”

“I thought so too. But I. . .I. . .” Nathan pressed his lips together. “I woke up one day and there. . .oh god, there was a dude in my bed!”

“Oh well, thet ain't too bad. Did you jest naht realize?”

“No, he said I took him in there.”

“Heh. Guess yer gay, then.”

Charles cleared his throat. “Anyway. . .Nathan, do you have anything else to say about that particular topic?”

“Not really, no.”

“Right. So, moving on. . .”

Skwisgaar kept a straight face through the rest of the meeting, then erupted into laughter with Toki once they'd passed the safety of his bedroom door. “Cans you believe dat fuckings dildo? He really t'ink he gay!”

“We did such a goods one over on him!” Toki agreed. “Wowie, I wonder how long this will goes on for. It look like he beens thinking about it a lot.”

“Don'ts tell him _not'ing_. Lets him figure it out on he own.” Skwisgaar took a deep breath when the muscles in his cheeks ached. “Odin, what a fuckings idiot.”

An evening with a clear schedule spread out before him. Naturally, that meant he took a seat on the edge of his bed and commenced the scales he ran through in the conference room. Toki showed no signs of going anywhere, choosing instead to sprawl across the bed and nose through the recent guitar magazine subscriptions that came in. He rolled onto his side and watched Skwisgaar when they laid in an abandoned pile. “I wants to ask you about something.”

“Shore.”

“You mentions a couple time that peoples can likes both beings told what to do and tellings other people what to does.”

“Ams called a switch, ja.”

“And that woulds describe you?”

“I woulds t'ink so. Nots dat I does what you does wit' me wit' anyones else I sleep wit'.”

“Woulds you want to?”

Skwisgaar furrowed his brow. “Ams dat a t'ing you wants?”

“Wells. . .” Toki toyed with Skwisgaar's blanket. “I tells you this: it has beens a while for me that I fucks around with anyone else. Now that I does this with someone what lets me do what I needs to get all the builds-up from inside me, I don'ts got no point for no one else.”

Intense pride swelled inside Skwisgaar's chest. He tended to ignore any mention at Toki having fucked other people, still too jealous to properly handle the idea. Even if he did it himself and they not only rejected the concept of exclusivity but encouraged the other to seek relief elsewhere, Skwisgaar pat himself on the back for obliterating the competition.

“That being said, I startings to see what you means, abouts how hard it is to find someone what wills tell you what to does. I don'ts think I gots the same levels of need you did, but I curious abouts it. And I trust you, so. . .”

“I don'ts mind bossings you around a bits,” Skwisgaar replied. If he claimed this front as well, he could call his hold a monopoly. “But I shoulds tell you dis. You ams naturally a dominants porson. If you wants to be submissive, you woulds need a littles bit of training.”

“Can'ts you do that?”

“Ja, but I warns you. If you don'ts like me tellings you what to do, no matter whats, you mights feel annoyed. And you shouldn'ts feel like dat when you letting someones dominate you. You amn'ts just listening to direction, it ams a state of mind, more dan anyt'ing. You gots to _want_ to please de porson, to feels like you amn'ts whole untils you do. Dey becomes your world while you does dis. Ams dat a t'ing you coulds do?”

“Maybes not right now,” Toki quietly admitted. “But we coulds give it a whirl and if I likes it you show me more? I gets curious about this switching stuff because sometimes I do likes to listen to you. And I trusts you to knows how to handle me, because. . .well, you's the expert for one, and I just trusts you period.”

Skwisgaar unslung his guitar and set it aside. “Den I wants you to do somet'ing you hasn'ts before. You ams going to suck my dick.”

“Uh. . .”

“How that feel, for me to tells you to do dat? Does you get a pangs of annoyance in you chest? Automaticallys want to says no?”

“Nots really. I's been curious about tryings out sucking dick too, anyway, so. . .”

“Den does it.” Skwisgaar laid back. “Sucks my dick.”

Toki's gaze darted toward his belt buckle. “But whats if I no good?”

“Den you learns. Come on.”

A different man than Skwisgaar usually slept with occupied his bed. Wide, pale blue eyes suddenly lost the confidence that seemed to come naturally within their paradigm. The gratification of gaining attention between his legs multiplied tenfold when, instead of some perfume-saturated woman or experienced ex-klokateer, Toki fumbled while getting his jeans down off his hips.

Skwisgaar propped up on his elbows. “Goes on, den. Just starts easy. You won'ts be able to take too much in at forst. Does what feel right. And watch wit' de teeth.”

Skwisgaar would be lying if, after so long of Toki taking charge, this didn't feel a little weird. He _could_ assume Toki's usual role—he did to some extent, with others—but a power exchange wasn't something he expected. Part of him anticipated Toki not to care for it, to revolt as soon as Skwisgaar adopted that tone he usually hated so much to hear when it came to things like the band. Once Toki grew more comfortable, their eyes met; there, Skwisgaar could see the non-verbal questions _he_ would ask. Am I doing it for you? Is this how you like it?

“Don'ts be afraid to strokes me at de same time, or touch my ball,” he reminded him. “If it amn'ts too much all at once.”

It wasn't the physicality of Toki figuring it out that tilted Skwisgaar's head back. Maybe out to prove himself, Toki actually _could_ listen. Not only that, but he seemed to genuinely enjoy it. A keen obedience to squeeze his balls eliminated further doubt, toward _both_ of them for switching it up. Skwisgaar's brow increasingly furrowed as he demanded harder, for his obvious enjoyment only encouraged enthusiasm.

All the strain of keeping Skwisgaar propped up fell on his left elbow as he reached down to push Toki's hair out of the way for him. “You coulds be a natural at dis.”

An appreciative glance inspired sentiment in kind. “Seriouslies, I coulds make you sucks my dick all day.”

Maybe Toki didn't have the experience to objectively compete with his stable slut, but Skwisgaar knew better than anyone that the brain functioned as the most important organ during sex. He'd take Toki's fervent response to being called a cock slut anytime over impersonal physical precision.

A warning tap to Toki's shoulder translated into a stronger will to persevere. The impending flush of endorphins hooded Skwisgaar's eyes and the need to witness how Toki handled it drew his attention. He slowed down, brow furrowed, but his mouth tightened in attempt to make his throat work. Eye contact broke Toki's concentration, leading him to pull off a little too soon. A last tiny emission hit him primarily in the dip of his chin.

Skwisgaar flopped down flat on the bed, chest rising and falling as another form of tranquility blanketed his body. His eyes cracked open when Toki's head rested on his arm, then he chuckled. “You miss some.”

He swiped the small spot off the tip of Toki's nose and nudged his thumb past swollen lips. Without even having to be told to, Toki's cheeks hollowed and his tongue swirled about the digit.

“How you feels?”

“Was different, but I likes it in its own way. And I kinds of _really_ like blowing you.”

“I saids de truth when I say you comes off as a natural. At boths of dem.”

“Is only my first time to gives a blow job, so I gets better at it with practice. I thinks you like that I listen to you.”

“Ams a pretties big turn on, in my view.”

“Same, beings told what to do. You right that it a different frames of mind, but I likes it. Is fun to switch things up once in a whiles. Is it a thing you wants to consider we does with each other?”

“My forst inskink ams ja.” Skwisgaar's head lulled toward Toki. “But we can'ts ignore dat if we doings dis for each ot'er, as well as de ot'er way, den dere ams a poskibility dat we don'ts need ot'er peoples no more. I nots talking about want, but needs. It ams just easier to go sees you if I wants a blow job, rather dan wait fifteen minute for someone to shows up.”

“What if I wants to keep practicing this and there no one to practice on, though?” Toki countered. “I can'ts be doing it on a banana or some shits in the kitchen! What ifs Pickle or someone walks in? That's it, I's gay forever in their eye!”

Toki unknowingly touched the twinge of jealousy that existed within Skwisgaar. Try as he might, he simply couldn't accept the idea of Toki doing this to anyone else. Besides not trusting them to underline their treatment with respect, he just did not wish to share. “So it sound to me likes you got no objection to me beings de only porson who you fucks around wit'.”

“Wouldn'ts change nothing. I tolds you, you the only one already. I don'ts got no one else what like the same thing as me I cans find, and I don'ts really want to has to go through all this talkings and workings with another one if I did. Too much works to gets off.”

“You nevers worry dat make it hard to separates me as a friends from a fucks buddy, if I ams your entire sex life?”

Toki shook his head. “I does good with it. Ja, I gots a lot of respeck for you in boths way, but I's capables of seeing you as just a friend when we pals around, and just as a fucks buddy when we doings this.”

“If you nots fucking no one else, you gots to keep twice aware of t'ing like dat. You understands?”

“I brings it up if there a problem.” Toki nodded. “Bys the way. . .”

“Ja?”

“You tastes _real_ good.”  


	10. Pet

The snow beginning to melt around Mordhaus induced an epidemic of impatience for spring to finally arrive. Every afternoon when Skwisgaar rose, he went immediately to the window to see if any lawn was visible yet as it receded. The American members of the band drove him crazy on the best of days, resulting in long bouts of reclusiveness interrupted only by the instances in which he and Toki sought the other out.

He couldn't deny that he went through some sort of narrowing spell, like Toki before him. Between teaching Toki the basics of submission, getting blown whenever he wanted, and then being dominated himself, room for others in Skwisgaar's sex life shrunk. As he practiced his guitar one evening late February, he slowly came to a stop. How long had it been, since he called someone up? At least a day. Two, three? Who was it, even?

Someone showed up fifteen minutes later on principle, but no matter how skilled the woman, Skwisgaar found his mind wandering halfway through. How could this happen? Was it something to be afraid of? Or should he just accept it, like Toki?

 _'Wat u doin 2nite'_ he shot off later.

_'Nothin. Got something in mind?'_

_'Lets go outside or something. Isnt cold so'_

_'Ja sure give me 2 min'_

Skwisgaar had his coat on when Toki showed up. They headed for the nearest exit, unconsciously sticking to the lit path provided by their home's exterior. Skwisgaar took his time in breaching the topic, unsure where it could lead. Surely danger lie in them becoming exclusive, even if they didn't plan for it. The rationalization that it happened whether or not Skwisgaar said anything caused him to clear his throat in a lull of their conversation. “So.”

“Ja?”

“You knows dat t'ing you talks about, how you gets everyt'ing you needs wit' one porson so why bothers wit' anyone else?” Skwisgaar glanced over with confirmation. “It would seems dat it has happen to me too.”

“You means you not fucking no one else?” No matter how much Skwisgaar sullied him, Toki still maintained an innocence in how his eyes widened. “Wowie, you serious?”

“It just happen.” Skwisgaar shrugged. “It dwindles, and den I sittings around tonight and realgize I hadn'ts even t'ought abouts it. I tries to bring someone up and dey bores de pants back on me.”

“Huh.” Toki pushed his chest out. “I guess Toki's that good, then!”

“ _Pff!_ ”

Skwisgaar earned a shove with his laughter. “How you gonnas deny that? You saids it youself! I's the only one left, therefores I win!”

“Wins what? You stills get everyt'ing you wanteds.”

“Well, if you thinks about it like. . .” Toki trailed off, squinting up ahead. “Hold ons a minute. What's that?”

“Uhh. . .” Skwisgaar followed his gaze. White on white wasn't easy to see, but something definitely moved. “My best guess ams a yard wolf puppy, but dey shouldn'ts be having dem yets. Is too earlys.”

“Oh!” Toki's eyes widened again as he became completely distracted. Bearing with him, Skwisgaar leisurely followed as Toki jogged up ahead. He squealed with glee. “Looks at it, it so cutes! And so littles!”

Toki inspected the struggling runt while Skwisgaar looked about for its kin. “Where ams he mom?”

“Not sures.” Toki ran his fingers gently over the coat. “Do you think she abandons him?”

“Ams possible. He ams too little to survive.”

“Skwisgaar, look at him shakes. He goings to freeze.” Toki picked it up. “Let's take him insides.”

“We amn'ts allowed.” Skwisgaar hid his annoyance behind a curtain of reason. Weren't they talking about something kind of important? It could potentially lead to an even greater breakthrough about his life! “Remembers we tries to keep a wolf pup befores and he rips everyt'ing up and piss everywheres?”

“This one wills be diffsrent. Just looks.” Toki held it up to Skwisgaar's face. “He will die for sures out here. You won'ts tell on me if I keeps him, will you?”

Skwisgaar kicked the snow. Maybe if he conceded, they could get back on topic that much quicker. “No. . .but you wills regret it. Wolves amn't dogs.”

“I can'ts leave him to _die!_ Maybes I just take him until he big enough to be on his own? What he gonna do to anyone when he can hardlies even walk?”

Skwisgaar assumed some klokateers would've witnessed the entire event and reported it to Charles, but the man never called or summoned them. Skwisgaar perched on Toki's bathroom counter while he carefully washed the deaf and blind pup in the sink. “You goings to has to find food and t'ing for him. Like milks. He die if he don't eat.”

“I knows how to take care of an animal,” Toki stated. “I hads wolves back in Norway what were my friends.”

“Has you _raised_ one, though?”

“Not exacklies, but I figure it out, okay? Why you gots to be such a pessmisk abouts it?”

“I just tryings to be realistics. You amn'ts going to be able to gets what you need wit'out someone telling Charles what you got.”

“I cans warm milk up myself in the kitchen.” Toki bundled the pup up in a fluffy towel and led Skwisgaar back to his bedroom proper. “Woulds you watch him while I do that?”

Skwisgaar conceded with a grunt.

Toki passed it over like a baby, then skirted out of the room. A high-pitched, quiet whine sounded inside the towel, prompting Skwisgaar to shift it about so that he could see. Damn. No matter how tiny, this wolf posed a threat to everything Skwisgaar stood to gain from his epiphany. Why did Toki feel the need to take in things like this? Natural law dictated that this pup shouldn't survive, anyway. Even if it did, the other yard wolves would tear it apart upon its release.

“Okay, I gots it.” Toki dropped onto the bed beside Skwisgaar and dipped his finger into a saucer to try and feed the puppy.

Irritated, Skwisgaar cleared his throat. “So likes we was talkings about earlier.”

“What was its? You not sleepings with other people. So what's up with that?”

“I alreadies told you. It just happen.”

“Ja, I wons.”

“I still don'ts get what you mean by dat. But maybes we talks about it a time you nots busy?”

“Whatevers you want.” Toki didn't look up.

Skwisgaar flopped onto his bed when he arrived back at his room. Maybe Toki couldn't help himself in taking care of runty finds, but Odin. How often did Skwisgaar Skwigelf come and say that he wasn't fucking anyone else because of you? You don't take that lightly. Skwisgaar didn't, anyway. This was a big deal, not just for him and Toki, but for his entire life. He'd never managed monogamy without severe restraint in past, and even then just for a very brief window. When it came this easily, by its own accord, it was worth attention.

Now came the first challenge against it, though. Frustration always demanded the same outlet, but with Toki preoccupied and as the origin of this pit in Skwisgaar's stomach, he didn't much feel like shooting him a text or even thinking about him right now. If he made a request from his stables, it would undermine what he wanted to talk to Toki about in the first place. And yet there he lay fifteen minutes later, although it didn't go as he planned. Halfway through, rather than even be nice about it, he sighed. “Cans you just stop?”

His mood spiralled through the evening, leading him to whittle away at his guitar until he couldn't hold his eyes open anymore. He assumed Toki would text him the next day, but his phone remained quiet. Injury bled into vexation against his volition. Toki suddenly becoming so enthralled with some new thing poked deeply at Skwisgaar's inherited anxiety. He hated feeling like this back in Sweden, and he _really_ hated it here. In fact, even likening his turmoiled state to how his mother used to make him feel was enough to send Skwisgaar into a bottle. Toki helped him deal with some of the pent-up resentment he packed around for that woman, but _this?_

“. . .Thinking I might try dating a dude. I've never had luck with women and maybe now I know why.”

“I'onno, Nate. We rilly gotta talk about this?”

“Just trying to give you a head's up. You know, if I bring someone back home—”

“Odin, Nat'an, you still on about dis gay shits?” Skwisgaar stopped tuning his guitar, anger finally coming to a pinnacle as the three of them met up in the studio. “You amn'ts gay. Just drops it.”

Nathan scowled. “You don't know that! It makes total sense!”

“Why you so convinced, ah? Maybes you make mistake.”

“You think I haven't tried telling myself that? Fuck you, Skwisgaar. You have no idea what being gay is like. Especially around all you jack-offs. All you ever do is make fun of it and this is _who I am._ ”

Skwisgaar threw his arms up in the air as Nathan stormed off. “Fine! Go cries about it, you bigs dick sucking baby—!”

“What did you just call me?”

“Ooooh shit, Skwisgare, you better run. He's comin' back.”

Nathan took chase for a short while, but eventually ran out of breath. Unable to return to his room—the obvious retreat—Skwisgaar opted for the next door, a couple turns in the corridor away. Busy or not, Toki wouldn't have a choice about stowing him.

“Hey Toki, you ams—” But he wasn't there. Shrugging it off, Skwisgaar made himself comfortable. Maybe it was best they not see each other right now, at least until Skwisgaar got this latest bout of jealousy under control.

Having left his guitar behind as dead weight, Skwisgaar rapidly grew bored. He wandered aimlessly around Toki's room, pursing his lips at the picture Charles got bullied into snapping of them on a night out at Burzum's, not long after Toki first joined the band. Everyone made bunny ears behind Toki's head, something that obviously made him feel included if he hung it on the wall. Moments like this for Toki were once few and far between. And did that mean anything about how he came to treat others? Apparently not, if he reciprocated that on Skwisgaar.

Heavy stomping down the hallway prompted Skwisgaar to hide under the covers. Locked doors rarely stopped Nathan. “Toki! You seen Skwisgaar anywhere?”

Skwisgaar kept quiet in hopes he'd carry on. Nathan pounded again. “Toki! Fucking answer me or I'm going to knock this door down!”

“I's sleeping, go away!” Skwisgaar said in his best impression of Toki.

“So that's a no?”

“Ja, go away.”

“Oh. Sorry pal.”

Whew. Skwisgaar threw the blankets off his top half. Where did Toki go, anyway? Sending a text only made Toki's phone beep over on the desk, where he'd plugged it in to charge. No doubt it had something to do with that stupid wolf. Skwisgaar _still_ hadn't seen Toki since he got it. How was it that something new to dote on _always_ pushed him off to the side?

The intercom in the corner of Toki's room crackled, Charles' message echoing all through Mordhaus. “Skwisgaar, could you come to my office, please?”

“Fucks,” Skwisgaar muttered. Sure enough, to contribute to his bad mood, Nathan sat in front of Charles' desk with his arms tightly crossed. “What am dis?”

“Nathan has, uh, lodged a complaint against you.”

“Oh rillies.” Skwisgaar sunk down beside Nathan and mirrored his stature. “I was goings to apolgesac.”

“So you believe you did him wrong?”

“I just don't t'ink he ams really gay.”

“Nathan would know that more than anyone else. Not to mention. . .all of you, Nathan included before he came out, were adamantly homophobic. It took a lot of courage for him to do what he did. I was going to bring it up at the next band meeting, but I'll say this to you while you're here. Now that you're aware someone homosexual lives amongst you, it would be a huge leap forward if the anti-gay comments, slurs, and accusations came to an end. It hurts Nathan's feelings.”

“I. . .didn'ts know you had feelings, Nat'an.”

Nathan grumbled. “Maybe, hrmmm, you know, a couple.”

“Wow, maybes you really am gay. Like for reals.”

“Now Skwisgaar, straight men have feelings too. You would personally know that.”

“Huh? Oh, ja. Guess I woulds.” Annoyance, jealousy, and boredom, mostly.

“Great. Anything else before I send you two on your way?”

“No.”

“You two are going to get along now?”

“Ja, shores.”

“I'm glad we could have this little discussion, then. Good day.”

Nathan punched Skwisgaar once they'd left Offdensen's office. “Say anything else about it ever again, and I'll rip all your fingers off.”

“Ow! Woulds be bad for de band, Nat'an.” Skwisgaar rubbed his shoulder. “Quits t'inking about just youself.”

“I don't want anybody to talk about it anymore. I'm just going to ignore it and hope it goes away. It's not fucking worth it, with you clowns.”

Mood further yielded to fury, Skwisgaar headed back to his room. Usually he turned to Toki when his innards twisted so fervently, but what the hell did he do when that man was to blame? Did it have to make a difference? _'U busy'_

Skwisgaar didn't expect a reply, if Toki was still out. One came a few moments later, though. _'Not rly. Pup is sleeping y'_

_'I could go 4 a rly good fuck rite now'_

_'Ja has been a while'_

Twelve days, as Skwisgaar counted. He couldn't hack another boring hump with some stable slut, and even his growing collection of toys bore no interest. _'I mean like rly fuck me tho'_

_'Give me 2 min'_

_'No give me time 2 get redy'_

Skwisgaar took some deep breaths before even bothering to get off his bed. Okay. Maybe _this_ was what he needed. Whether or not Toki's deflection caused his dive in temper, he couldn't think of anything else to fix it. Getting fucked for the first time would distract Skwisgaar and giving Toki something no pet ever could would budge him back to centre stage. It must work like that, even if he still felt aggravated while thoroughly cleaning up in the shower.

He heard his bedroom door slide open as he brushed his hair. Poking his head out confirmed the hunch that Toki invited himself in. He laid across his bed, attention pulled away from his phone when he noticed Skwisgaar. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Skwisgaar hesitated before sitting on the edge of the bed. He and Toki stared at each other before he dropped his gaze to where he toyed with his towel.

“How you wants to do this?”

“I don'ts really know. Just does it and it done?”

“You feels okay for it?”

“Problies as okay as it get.” Skwisgaar attempted to bring himself back to the moment. Nerves and lingering bitterness made it hard to remember what was important. Predominantly he _did_ just want this over with, so that the last untouched part of his body would become no more special than anything else. And yet, with such conflict toiling about inside, would he even be able to relax enough?

Toki sat up beside him. “Are you sure you wants to?”

Skwisgaar nodded.

“Then what's the problem?”

“How shoulds I know? You ignores me for two week, this shoulds be easy.”

Toki's gaze softened. “I didn'ts ignore you.”

“You didn'ts exackslies _not_ ignores me. Whenevers we pal around evens, you too busy to be all dere.”

“I. . .I didn'ts realize,” Toki replied. “I's sorry. I didn'ts think you care. You ignores me too.”

“I was waitings for you to says somet'ing to me!”

“I was takings care of the pup and I figureds if you really wanted something you woulds has come around.”

“Not'ings happen when I did.” Skwisgaar crossed his arms.

“You know what it like when you gots thing you doing. Is easy to get sucks in. Come on.” Toki placed a hand on his back. “Don'ts be mad. I comes when you ask.”

“Ja, because you t'ink you goings to fuck me.”

“I woulds has come even if you wanteds to just pals around. Is nots about fucking you, Skwis.”

“Amn'ts it? You woulds has brought you pup if you thoughts we just doing t'ing like friend.”

“He doesn'ts do that great, so I likes to keep an eye on him. I really am sorry. I didn'ts know you felts left out.”

“You t'ink I coulds go two week wit'out sex?”

“Whats about you stable? Uh. . .” Toki stilted when Skwisgaar shot him a glare. “Rights. You really has stops that?”

“Nots anymore, but it amn't easy like it used to be. I's bored and hornys and mad and. . .”

“So why don'ts you say anything? We agreeds to talk about stuff like that. I takes for granted you woulds, if something bother you. When you don't say nothings for two week, I just assumes you doing you own thing too. You can'ts get mad when we agree to do it one ways, and then I don'ts get it when you does another.”

Skwisgaar resented blame being redirected at him, but Toki posed a good point. “What's _you_ been doing for sex, then? Because you hasn'ts come to _me_ for it.”

“Nothings. I beens busy takings care of the pup. Jacking off, I guess, if that count.”

“Coulds has called me.”

Toki pressed his lips together. “See, this why it not a good thing when all we has to fuck is each other. I's not obligateds to goes to you every time I want somethings. To be fair, you hasn'ts been in a great mood when I beens around you, kinds of mean really, and I don'ts want anything to does with you when you likes that.”

“Because you acts like you don'ts want me all de sudden! How I supposed to takes dat?”

“You coulds has asked, for one. And I woulds has told you: Toki's taking care of something, but it don'ts mean he don'ts want to have his dick arounds you.” Toki sighed. “Look, I don'ts want to have a bigs fight with you abouts this. We both screw up. Maybes I gets a bit too invested in making sure the pup survives being born so early, and this all go to show why we can't nots talk when thing bugging us. We agreeds that this only about sex, and thats we keep it separate from being friend. We has sex to feels good, nots get mad at each other. Is you havings trouble with it?”

“A bits, I guess. I didn'ts like dat you ignores me when I tries telling you dat I hadn'ts been fuckings around wit' no one else. Was a bigs deal to me.”

“Maybes that the problem?”

“I fucks ot'er people since, and it don'ts make me feels no better.” Skwisgaar paused. “But you ams right dat I shouldn'ts has expect you to knows what goings on inside me. Dat was stupids for me to does.”

“Just don'ts do it again, ja? We aren'ts responsible for each other's feelings. If we don'ts keep it all outs in the open then ones of us might get hurt. Ands then what? I don'ts want to haves to stop everything we does, if we cans avoid it.”

“Ja,” Skwisgaar agreed. Ugh, what the fuck would he even _do?_ He expected a certain standard when it came to sex now, and the very idea of being left high and dry sent a shudder down his spine. “Dis am gots to do wit' beings friend _and_ fuckings each ot'er, to makes it harder. I don'ts like beings ignored for somet'ing else, and I thoughts I lost you interest for fucking.”

Toki laughed. “You kiddings? How woulds _that_ happen?”

Skwisgaar couldn't help but crack a smile. Maybe he _had_ been stupid to think that nursing an animal to health could erode everything he and Toki established. Why should he be so self-conscious?

“So you talks to me when you got something likes that going on, and I makes more effort to includes you.”

“T'anks you.” Skwisgaar breathed a lot easier with such burden removed from his chest. Rather than angry, he just felt dumb. He should've never let his emotions get that involved.

“We goods?”

“Ja.” Skwisgaar turned more toward him. “So. . .”

“Hm?”

“Anys chance you stills want to fuck me?”

“Psh, ja. Who _wouldn'ts?_ ”

Skwisgaar nudged him with his shoulder. “I still not sures about de best way to goes about it. I hasn'ts done it before, so it mights not be dat easy. Has _you_ ever fuck someones in de ass?”

“Nopes. You put stuffs in there though, didn'ts you say?”

“Ja, when I jacks off. But nothings very big.”

“Why don'ts you show me?”

As far as Skwisgaar surmised, no one ever actually saw his ass, let alone him putting something in there. He fetched his lube and preferred plug. “You nevers mention doings anything with _yours_.”

“I hasn'ts,” Toki admitted.

“Too bads. You mights like it.” Skwisgaar ditched his towel. “It don'ts usually go ins easy at forst. So you coats it like dis, swipe some on you ass. . .”

Toki watched with his hands tightly folded in his lap, mouth slightly agape as Skwisgaar situated on all fours on his bed and eased it in, then brought it back to coat again. “You does this a lot?”

“I goes back and forth. Nots very often now, sometimes I don'ts for a couple week or somet'ing, but I dids it almost everys day for a whiles, at one point.” Skwisgaar's eyelashes fluttered as the thickest part popped in. “Sometime just fors de hells of it. Like whens I playing my guitar, or somet'ing.”

“Thanks, now I nevers going to be ables to see you play without thinkings about this.”

“You welcome.”

“Woulds you scoot up more? I wants to. . .” Toki trailed off, gaze non-wavering. Skwisgaar chuckled when Toki spread his cheeks and let them fall back naturally. “Fucks, you gots a nice ass.”

“Does whatever you wants. I tells you if it too much.”

Toki kicked off his boots and sat cross-legged behind Skwisgaar. “Seriouslies, though. One of the best things ever is how it bounce when I hits it with something.”

Skwisgaar tensed when he felt a pull on the plug. It took a lot of practice for it to not simply fall out when he started experimenting, leading him initially to resist. A slow breath and light hand on his hip helped him relax enough to relinquish this part of his body. He fell empty, but a trembling touch replaced the plug. Skwisgaar waited with bated breath to see if Toki would finger him, but the plug came again instead. “Keeps an eye dat don'ts dry out, ja?”

“Sorry. Does it hurts?”

“No, I'ms just lettings you know aheads of time.”

Skwisgaar bowed his head, reminded about how electrifying attention to his ass could be. He'd lost the initial exhilaration that came from doing something so forbidden all by himself. So much as _touching_ his entrance then could get him rock hard, let alone the first time his finger slipped past resisting muscle. An involuntary moan escaped as Toki reminded him of that sensation, then his mouth fell open as he reached the limit for how much could fit. A wicked grin came over him. “What's you doing?”

“Two fingers. Is too much?”

“I gets used to it.”

“It don'ts hurt?”

“No, ams. . .just more dan usuals.” It didn't exactly feel right, coming into a place meant to go, but that was part of the appeal. Although he could feel Toki pushing further, Skwisgaar didn't realize he'd taken both completely until Toki used his thumb as leverage. “ _Oj herregud. . ._ ”

“You tells me if you goings to cum. I don'ts want you to yet.”

Skwisgaar didn't want this to end either. He already felt taut, but Odin he wanted more. The right headspace obviously helped, because he soon unconsciously spread his legs as Toki introduced a third finger. He knew coming into this that he'd probably lose his mind from how good it felt, but he failed to anticipate the _degree_ to which he'd so willingly hand himself over. Who cared what happened for the rest of his life? Skwisgaar could give up the band, the guitar, _himself_ , if Toki willed him perennially prostrate. He'd give _anything_ , kill if Toki wanted, or hand over all the solos. So long as he got _this_.

“I thinks you ready to be fucked.”

Skwisgaar let out a whine when Toki's fingers left his body. To be so empty was nothing short of a tragedy. “Snäll _._ ”

Toki chuckled as his shirt hit the floor. “I never seens you like this before. Looks good on you.”

Skwisgaar's hands balled into fists when pressure filled him. Like with his fingers, Toki went slow, but Skwisgaar sensed a collective impatience. Discomfort only made it all the better; right, wrong, good, and bad all tugged for prominence, and wound up blending together instead. Nothing that Skwisgaar wanted to say found its way to his tongue. A jumbled bunch of words would do neither of them good, anyway.

With a pillow pressed against his face and every nerve tingling, Skwisgaar came in and out of awareness about the noise he simply couldn't repress. He didn't care if someone happened to walk by his room. Fuck them, they had _no idea_ what potential this bore to destroy. His entire body shook and the filthiness of it stripped away his humanity to leave only something born to be fucked and—how could this even be _happening?_ He submitted to a man as desperate as himself, someone who couldn't care less if this was proper or beautiful, so long as it pleased him. Skwisgaar never wanted more in his life to belong as chattel, to get more, to be fucked like it was all he was worth.

A particular rhythm forced Skwisgaar's brows to furrow. “Bara sådär. . .”

Each thrust sent shockwaves through his body. Rather than the swelling inside coming like a gust from a passing vehicle, Skwisgaar stood in the middle of the road and braced for impact. Toki gasped, desperate to sink as far as possible before a whimper breached his own lips. Why did it have to be over so fast? Granted, this part wasn't even a five minute deal, but as utterly exhausted as it left Skwisgaar he'd go again right this minute if Toki could. He'd never cum without attention toward his dick, nor had he ever cum so _hard_. It almost scared him, how useless he remained toward speech or movement. At least Toki sank in the same boat, judging by the lazy pawing that brought Skwisgaar down onto the bed beside him.

English finally returned to his brain after a few minutes. “Holy fuckings hell.”

“Ja.”

“I don'ts know what else to say.”

Toki's arms tightened around him. “Skwis?”

“Mm.”

“You makes it so hard for me to not think abouts you like my own.”

They'd only _just_ spoken about this, but damned if Skwisgaar didn't feel the same way right now. “Ams it a bad t'ing?”

“I'm not supposed to. That's the deal.”

Skwisgaar came up eye-level to Toki. He couldn't summarize the want, the need, or the plea into words, in either of the languages he spoke. The weight of it all crushed him as he read fear, for both this and the gap they steadily enforced between them. Uncertain and uncaring of the consequences, at least for now, Skwisgaar breached it with a gentle graze of his fingertips over Toki's chest. Rather than reassert their agreement, Toki's resolution buckled.

“Toki, who ams we kidding?”

Rather than argue, Toki blinked. Taking his opportunity, Skwisgaar leaned in. A string of small kisses gave way to something deeper as Toki caught his stride. He held Skwisgaar close by the back of his neck before suddenly stopping. “Skwis.”

Skwisgaar lightly rubbed his arm.

“What's we doing?” Pale blue eyes opened again. “Ares we getting confuse right now? Is a bigs deal to fuck someones like that.”

“We keeps reminding each ot'er abouts us rule, but it nots like I wantings dis and you tellings me no, or de ot'er way arounds. Why we tells each other dis a bads t'ing when we boths want it?”

“Because we not supposed to gets us feeling involved. We's friend, then we fuck buddies. Is the easiest ways.”

“If we gets along as friend and we gets along as fuck buddy, den what ams de bad t'ing about havings dose t'ing toget'ers?”

Toki kissed him again, though with hesitation. “Maybes. . .we needs to talk about it a different time, when we nots laying here rights after I fucks you. Whens we got clear head. I don'ts want to agrees to something and then haves us both regret it later. What's you think?”

“Mights be best.” Skwisgaar's fingertips pressed into Toki's skin. “You nots going to goes, am you?”

“Nots if you need me here. How you feels?”

“A little sore, I guess.”

“Woulds you lets me run you a bath?”

Being doted on in such a way emphasized Skwisgaar's developed reverence. He followed Toki into the bathroom, watching as he got the water to optimum temperature. In only his jeans thus far, Toki stood before him after taking away the fur blanket that kept Skwisgaar decent. The afterglow's fade left fondness like stubborn rocks on a beach with the tide's recession.

Toki touched his hip. “I goes check on the pup and gets clean up. Then I comes back.”

Skwisgaar eased into the bath and pulled a face at the vaguely familiar discomfort between his legs. Before everything could tighten back up, he inspected the impact. Two fingers sliding inside him didn't return even a ghost of the intensity from being fucked, but Skwisgaar liked the idea of Toki leaving him like this. To think, somewhere deeper, he'd left a piece of himself. . .

He didn't intend to, but it remained true that Skwisgaar could go again. Even without physical release—or arousal—as a possibility yet, he repeated how Toki prepped him until the remaining lube washed away. Disappointed though not deterred, Skwisgaar kept two fingers as far as their first knuckles inside him. He relinquished completely when the need faded.

Toki came back with wet hair and fresh clothes, pup in his grasp. He set him on the floor by the door with his homemade bed, where he immediately curled up and went to sleep.

“Haves you givens to him a name yet?” Skwisgaar asked.

“I beens thinking about it,” Toki replied. “But I tryings real hard not to get attached. I's going to lets him go when he big enough.”

“It amn'ts until dey abouts two year old or somet'ing dat dey turns on dey parents because dey readies to go be jack-offs on dey own.”

Toki laid on his stomach, much like the first time they ever held discussion in Skwisgaar's bathroom, and smiled. “I thoughts you didn'ts like me with the puppy. What change?”

“Uhh. . .” It sounded excessive to say that Skwisgaar didn't want to see Toki as capable of not becoming attached to something he cared for, so he settled on a second truth. “You likes havings a pet, don'ts you?”

“Ja, but is like you say. Is a wolf. You can'ts tame one of those past a certains age.”

Unable to help himself, Skwisgaar laughed. “You cans maybe if you work hard enough. If you does de right t'ing.”

“That woulds be cool. But I don'ts really know what I would does with him. He wouldn'ts want to hangs out in my room all the times, and I don'ts think he woulds really gets along with the yard wolves.” Toki brushed his fingertips over Skwisgaar's shoulders, invoking a hush between them. They indeed had something else in need of discussing. “So.”

“I gots to know about what you says.” Skwisgaar crossed his arms on the edge of the bath and rested his chin on them. “ _Does_ you thinks about me as you owns? Nots just when we doing t'ing, but all de time?”

“Has been hards not to, all along. Evens when you fuckings other people, I don'ts think that the same as what we does. You don'ts know those people. I didn'ts know the people I fucks for that first littles while. But _you_ , I knows. I see a parts of you no one else do, and I feels responsible for that. I takes care of it. You's so different with me thans with anyone else, so I believes I mights have a you that you don't shows very often. The _reals_ you, what want someones to take cares of you, who won'ts leave you high and dries with no notice, wills listen to all the thing you say, and wills only makes you feel good because you gots trust in that. So that's why I thinks you mine.”

“You wouldn'ts be far from de truth,” Skwisgaar told him. “It ams a differents kind of comfort, to be around you.”

Toki blinked, then stood. His clothes came off again and the tub's water level increased as he slid into the other side. “Comes here.”

Skwisgaar wound up situated with his legs thrown over Toki's, earning light scratches at his calf. “So what ams dis, den?”

“Exactly what it is,” Toki replied. “We's good friends what have sex. I don'ts feel a pressure to puts a name on it like a relatesingip or likes you my boyfriend, because you's much mores than that.”

Skwisgaar came up dry too, when he tried to pinpoint a correct label. “I wouldn'ts even know how to explains it, if we hads to.”

“Oh. . .we mights.”

“Does we?” Skwisgaar shrugged. “How long we beens doing dis? No ones even figured it out. Nat'an t'ink he some big gay, so he ams conksegrating on dat. Dids I tell you he t'inking about datings a guy?”

Toki scoffed. “He won'ts. He so stupids, he really think wakings up with a guy makes you gay? At least he seem open to the idea of there beings gay people in Mordhaus. Or whatevers we are.”

“I don'ts know about you, but I don'ts feel like makings dis into a bigs announcement, likes Nat'an at dat band meeting. Fucks it. We does what we does, if dey finds out, dey finds out. I don'ts really care.”

“It is what it is,” Toki repeated. “If we don'ts make it into a big thing, they won'ts either. Things are pretties normal around here, so I think that speak for itselfs.” 


	11. Reborn

Skwisgaar hovered within the doorway of Charles' office, arms crossed while he waited for him to get off the phone. He conveyed as efficiently as possible that this wasn't an urgent manner; while he waited, he strolled about the office and inspected various things hanging on the walls.

“. . .All right, then. Thank you. Goodbye.” The phone clicked as Charles hung up. “What did you need, Skwisgaar?”

Charles still jotted down a series of notes when Skwisgaar took a seat opposite his desk. “I gots a couple order of business to attends to.”

“Like what?”

“For ones, I has a confessions to make. Nat'an really amn'ts gay. Toki and me playeds a prank on him wheres he woke up wit' dat guy in my stables and gets convince dey slepts toget'er.”

Charles took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “And you're telling me this rather than him because. . .?”

Skwisgaar scoffed. “You jokings? You t'inks I want to get my ass beatens?”

“Ah. So you're hoping I will relay the message for you.”

“Ja.” Skwisgaar sunk further in his seat. “Ons dat note, I woulds like you to clears out my stable.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tells dem peoples to go home.”

“To be frank, it's preferable for your own health that you keep them. If you go out in order to find people, they won't have undergone the same STD screening process as your stable must go through.”

“I'ms not sleepings wit' dem no mores, so you mights as well get rids of dem. And I not sleepings wit' nobody outsides here eithers.”

Charles studied him. “I'm afraid I don't understand.”

“You a smarts man. You figures it out.” Skwisgaar stood. “I gots to go, though. I gots t'ing to do.”

Every klokateer Skwisgaar passed on his way back to his room respectfully averted their gaze, as usual. Pretty soon a couple thousand women would get the word that they were to pack up their things and resume normal lives. No doubt they would be confused. No doubt a lot of people would be, once they caught wind. Maybe they'd speculate. But Skwisgaar would give them nothing they didn't absolutely need to know. Besides, the most he and Toki agreed to ever tell anyone—if necessary—was that they were 'involved'. Not too much, not outright denial. No one needed to know what went on behind closed doors. That was far too personal to ever share.

Toki laid on his bed, arms hanging over the edge as he teased the recently dubbed Baldur with a rope toy. The puppy jumped for it, landed with a crash, then shuffled backwards with a wagging tail before trying again. “Go gets it, then.”

Baldur skittered after it into the bathroom, where he shook it violently enough to send it off again. “How it go?”

“Goods. He goings to get dat dones for me.” Skwisgaar took a seat on the edge of the bed. “I thoughts you was taking him outsides to play?”

“Is too muddies. He smalls enough to finds it fun in here anyway. Besides. . .” Toki slipped a hand under Skwisgaar's ass. “Cans I look again?”

Skwisgaar stood before Toki, then slid his jeans down to the top of his thighs. A smile crossed Toki's face as he looked at where, earlier, he'd taken a permanent marker to Skwisgaar's left cheek: _'do not fuck is Toki only'_

“I beens thinking.”

“Abouts?”

“There gots to be a reason why you such a butt slut. It feel good, ja?”

Understatement. The very thought of it made Skwisgaar want it all over again.

“Why don'ts you show me?”

“Has you dones anyt'ing wit' it yet?”

“Nopes.” Toki rolled onto his back. “I just wants to see what it feel like. I problies wouldn'ts be able to be fucks, but we coulds just see where it goes.”

Skwisgaar took a seat beside Toki and pushed the hair away from his face. “I goes by de belief dat it ams easier to learns dat parts of you body on you own befores you let anyone else does t'ing to it. Dat way, you knows youself and whats you can take. Ams why I was so confkant de forst time you fucks me.”

“But I knows _you_ butt pretty well. Don'ts that transfer over?”

“Ja, but it ams a bit different when it you own. You can'ts go into it _too_ confkant to starts, or else you gets youself hort because you t'inks you can take more dan you ackslies can.” Skwisgaar's fingers trailed down over Toki's chest. “You shoulds try touching youself dere, and t'ing. When you comfies wit' dat, finger youself. Den get some plugs.”

“Okays.” Toki pushed his lips off to the side. “Sucks to wait, though.”

“Wells. . .dere am somet'ing we cans do in de meantime.”

“Likes what?”

Skwisgaar lifted Toki's shirt and played with the trail of hair leading down from his bellybutton. “I gots a t'ing what I woulds has never dones before. Woulds never even t'ink about it wit' ot'er people. But I woulds do it for you.”

That got Toki's attention. Taking his time, Skwisgaar threw Baldur's rope for him when it was set beside his boot, then shifted to lay down next to the other man. “When I used to jacks off t'inking abouts you, sometimes I t'ink abouts you humiligatings me.”

“Hows?”

“By makings me eat you ass out.”

Toki's eyes grew hooded as his gaze flicked over Skwisgaar the same way it usually did whenever he planned something. “Is that a thing you okay with, for sures?”

“I don't sees no problem if you ams clean. Wouldn'ts be no different dan lickings any ot'er parts of you body.”

“I goings to has a quick showers, then. While I's in there I wants you to goes put Baldur in my room and be nakeds in here by the time I done. I gots more in mind for yous than just that, so don'ts do nothing to youself.”

Skwisgaar scooped up the puppy without any further prompting and lightly jogged to Toki's room. As he and Toki grew comfortable with their limits, it wasn't necessary to discuss everything that would happen before a new session. Surprises came more frequently, like the sudden involvement of the riding crop or a toy joining them in the sheets. Maybe this time Toki would take complete control of the situation. Jittery with excitement, Skwisgaar ditched his clothes in practically one swift movement upon return.

Toki came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. Bypassing Skwisgaar seated on the edge of the bed, he headed straight for the top drawer. “I's going to gives you something you ask for a longs time ago.”

“What ams dat?”

“You'll knows it pretty quick.” Toki went to the bed long enough to blindfold Skwisgaar. “You lets me do whatever?”

“Mhm.”

“I's going to gives you the bell to holds onto. You won'ts be able to say red, ifs you need it.”

With the room gone dark, Skwisgaar relied on his ears to try and figure out what exactly Toki had in mind. The man rummaged about in the drawer, snapped it shut, and then multiple items hit the bed. Skwisgaar slackened his jaw when a thumb separated his lips. “Opens wide.”

Skwisgaar had no choice but to rely on Toki once he lost the ability to use both eyes and mouth. He held his wrists out as they were tied together, then grasped the bell Toki handed him. “Anytimes at all you's uncomfksable, you lets me know. Gots it?”

Skwisgaar nodded.

“Good. Now gets on you knees.”

Toki pushed him to hasten the process, forcing Skwisgaar to nearly faceplant on the bed. He hadn't the chance to right himself before his hips were pulled up and back. “I wants you to listens very carefullys to whats I tell you. Your ass is mine. Your cock is mine. Your mouth is mine. No one else is evers allowed to gets near them, and no one's ever alloweds to touch them. If they do, they gots me to answer to. Even if is a bits of shame. . .”

His thumb pressed against Skwisgaar's entrance. “I bets you would makes a good cum dump.”

As appealing the idea, the preference of belonging only to one person prevailed. Toki offered Skwisgaar a feel for it anyway, prepping him for use. The point wasn't sexual, and it certainly didn't come off as such to Skwisgaar. He lowered his head and accepted with no fight that Toki benefit from a possession that just so happened to be located on his body. Toki bore no obligation to let him enjoy it; only with his permission would Skwisgaar find some sort of physical release.

Toki slapped him on the ass when he finished. “Stays like that a while.”

Something else intruded on Skwisgaar's backside. Its failure to hold in place made Toki chuckle. “Maybes if you was less of a butt slut you'ds be ables to keep a plug in here.”

He came back with another, similar to himself in girth. “If this one don'ts work, I don'ts know what to tells you.”

The swipe and cool of ink on Skwisgaar's right cheek followed. Ever since the first fuck, Toki kept track of the number. The earliest marks faded a bit more every time Skwisgaar checked them out in the mirror. “I guess in a ways you _are_ kinds of a cum dump.”

The mattress shifted as Toki departed. The bathroom door creaked, then the sink briefly ran. Footsteps padded across the floor before Skwisgaar gravitated toward the hand that pet his hair. Simultaneously, something thin and hard slid down between his ass cheeks to nudge the plug. “You deserves this.”

That could be taken either positively or negatively. Either way, a sharp intake of breath marked a sharp sting. Skwisgaar's heart pounded immediately, shoulders trembling as Toki moved back to the side of the bed and situated the cane flatly across his backside. It pressed into the flesh, heightening the battle between anticipation and anxiety with Skwisgaar. He gripped the bell for all he was worth.

Out of every object they tried, Skwisgaar settled on this as his favourite. He didn't much care for a thudding impact, like what came with a paddle, in comparison to bite. While difficult for Toki to initially accept, he met Skwisgaar halfway on occasion. He didn't believe Skwisgaar sometimes needed pain to have an orgasm until he paid witness, nor did he foresee how fascinated Skwisgaar would grow with the raised, inflamed skin later in the mirror.

Skwisgaar jolted ahead, gasp ending in his throat. The pain transformed after the first couple whacks, still there but something more. In his head he stood again with one hand on the doorknob in his mother's living room, guitar strung over his back while they tried to yell over one another. She faded into the background and the house fell away, leaving Skwisgaar in the snow. Then Sweden disappeared, along with his roots. His guitar slipped away into the darkness, then his clothes. Then any means to communicate with and experience the world, until one last strike against his body made him feel again.

All Skwisgaar could hear was his own harsh breathing. His brain already pumped out a wash of endorphins and tears wet his blindfold. The bell's edge dug into his hand, in desperation to keep Toki going.

He took one last lungful of breath and let go of the last bout of ownership he claimed over himself. Calloused fingertips trailed up his spine. “I thinks you had enough.”

The gag jostled. With its removal Skwisgaar could finally swallow properly. He kept quiet, head still down until Toki lifted his chin. Light assaulted his retinas when the blindfold followed. A couple last tears were pushed down his cheeks when lips pressed against his forehead.

“You dids _real_ good,” Toki told him. “Lets me untie you.”

Skwisgaar groaned lightly when kissed. “Whats about—?”

“I saids you had enough.”

Skwisgaar scratched lightly where the ropes rubbed, pulling a face when Toki removed the plug from him. A hot wash of too many bad feelings clutched his chest; the throbbing ache on his backside only made it worse. He couldn't find himself yet. What did Toki _do?_

“Hey,” Toki said softly. “Hey, is okay.”

Skwisgaar clutched him, shame joining the mix as his eyes grew wet again. He could at least keep quiet as he was rocked and deluged with words of comfort. When Toki ran out of things to say in English, he switched to Norwegian. Skwisgaar had no idea what to do. He'd been stripped to his bare essentials; he was no longer a part of the greatest entertainment force on Earth, a son, or even human. Toki comforted a timid little animal desperately seeking something to define itself by. Very slowly, self-awareness trickled back in. He had a name, he had a face. Toki was here. They laid together in his bed. Beyond the room, not even the sound of boots could be heard in the hallway as klokateers went about their daily duties. Mordhaus, Dethklok, the world held in their hands. . .

Skwisgaar remained limp in Toki's arms, utterly exhausted. A calmness unlike anything else he ever felt draped over the very essence of his being, right down to the core. Even the drumming smart on his ass couldn't permeate it. From his chest to the extremities of his fingers and toes, the physical boundary of his body returned to his consciousness.

“Hard crash?”

“I don'ts know. Ams different from de ot'er time.”

“Dids I go too far?”

“No.” Attempt to press closer found it impossible. Skwisgaar couldn't open his eyes if he tried. “I don'ts know how to describes it.”

“I needs to take cares of you.” Toki kissed the top of his head. “Woulds you be okay if I goes to the kitchen to gets a couple thing?”

“I t'ink so, ja.”

Even the brush of Egyptian cotton against his backside made Skwisgaar cringe. Unable to remain in bed as a result while he waited for Toki's return, he headed for the bathroom instead. Running his fingers lightly over Toki's work didn't feel much different than his guitar strings against the fretboard. It should probably hurt a lot more than it did, but some sort of mental block kept it at bay. Still incapable of pinpointing the cocktail of emotions he experienced, he let out a big sigh. Something massive shifted. That was all he knew for sure.

“Lays down,” Toki instructed him when they converged again in the bedroom. He juggled a water bottle, bowl, and ice pack, the two first items of which he handed over. “Heres.”

Skwisgaar drank deeply, their activity having parched him, and then smiled as he took a small spoonful of his favourite ice cream. “T'anks.”

“Ja.” Toki carefully held the ice pack against his ass. “I dids a real number on you. You feels okay?”

“Gettings dere.”

“You's sure I didn'ts hurt you? Or scares you?”

“I woulds has let goes of de bell if you dids.”

“But you knows that nots every time you capables of decidings that.”

“I neededs it. Really,” Skwisgaar assured him. “I don'ts got no regret.”

“I just likes to be sure. You saids you wanteds me to push you boundaries a little, and I wants to know I didn'ts go past that.”

“You dids great. Porfect, reallies.” Skwisgaar peered over his shoulder. “Cans I ask you to do somet'ing for me?”

“Anything.”

“Woulds you stay wit' me tonight?”

Toki smiled when their eyes met. “Ja, sure.”

Need to stick close overrode Skwisgaar's healing body. He dressed despite Toki's misgivings so that he could accompany him outside with Baldur. Being cooped up gave way to a new spurt of energy for the wolf, which Toki chipped away at with a tennis ball and racket.

“Charles know I gots him, hey?” Toki shielded his eyes from the dying sunset as Baldur ripped across the lawn. “He goings to let me keep him, but he say if I serious abouts it being a long-term thing he goings to bring in the best trainers what are for wolves.”

“Dat am goods.” Skwisgaar only moved whenever necessary, to avoid the irritating chafe of denim. A cold spring wind kept him mostly numb. “Wolves am good pet, if you cans keep dem tame. He won'ts be able to have friend what ams he own kind, though.”

“Ja, kinds of suck for him. Good boy!” Toki picked up the slobbery ball with two fingers. “Ugh. But he probably think he one like us anyway.”

“You ams de kind of porson what coulds keep him in check too.” Skwisgaar watched the ball sail through the air again. “Woleves gots to has a hierarchy. Dey don'ts get equalities and dat crap. If you amn'ts de alpha, den deys will steps up for it.”

“Is true.”

Baldur let them know he was done by dropping ten feet before Toki, tongue nearly touching the grass as he panted.

“Let's go backs in. We gets him some waters. Ares you hungry, by any chance?”

“I coulds probably eat, ja.”

They stopped in Toki's room first, so that Baldur could get a quick bath before they relocated to the entirely white bedroom. Skwisgaar lounged on Toki's bed, attempting again to decipher what changed, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. _'Charles told me what u did. Very funny'_

_'Ja sorry bout that'_

A lengthy pause caused Skwisgaar to believe that was all Nathan had to say, but then a second one came: _'U dont have to reply to this but jsyk we all know about u n toki. We dont really care but ya. We know'_

Skwisgaar's stomach dropped. Did he deny it? No point, probably. “Uh, Toki?”

Toki changed out of a wet t-shirt before reading over the messages on Skwisgaar's phone. “Hm.”

“Does we say anyt'ing?”

Toki shrugged. “They don'ts got no problem, so whatsever. If you want to, you cans.”

While Toki attempted to speed up Baldur's drying with a towel, Skwisgaar repositioned to lay on his stomach. _'We try not 2 make thing wierd. U wont ever c us do anything'_

_'Ya thanks'_

_'So u rly dont care'_

_'I was just gay for a couple months n it didnt feel any different so whatever'_

Skwisgaar put his phone away with a shake of his head. Maybe Nathan didn't exactly understand the nuances of sexuality, but why would Skwisgaar argue? How did they all find out, anyway? He could comfortably assume they hadn't seen anything too intense, otherwise there would've been an intervention of sorts. What kind of clues did they leave behind? When did the others reach this conclusion?

“I thinks I going to leave him heres for a bits,” Toki stated when he came out of the bathroom. “His undercoat doesn'ts dry very fast, so he keeps finding more water to shakes around.”

Rather than go to the kitchen to find food, Toki ordered for something to be brought to Skwisgaar's room. They finished cleaning up from earlier, which meant a new set of bedding arriving from laundry. The klokateer in charge of making the bed remained casual as Skwisgaar and Toki stood beside and waited for him to finish. “There you are, my masters.”

“I just notice somet'ing.” Skwisgaar removed his clothes again when the room was free of their help. “You don'ts boss around the klokateers no more.”

“I guess nots, huh? It don'ts really feel right no mores.”

“How comes?”

“Probablies the same reason I don'ts fuck no one else.”

Skwisgaar's ass felt okay enough to sit up, so long as he didn't shift very much, so he settled on the edge of the bed to practice guitar while they waited for their dinner to arrive. Toki watched a while, then fetched Baldur when he got bored. Their distractions went aside when a klokateer announced behind the locked door that they'd received a tray from the kitchens.

Despite their nocturnal sleeping schedules, Skwisgaar could hardly keep his eyes open through the meal. Toki took his dishes to set beside the metronome and joined him under the covers. A deep sigh washed down his chest as result. “I will says dat it ams real goods to have you here.”

“Was a good idea to gets rid of that stupids rule.” Toki rubbed his back. “I never says this before, since it mights has made us weird about whether or not we sleeps in each other bed, but I reallies like to sleeps next to someone. Is a comforts to me.”

“I used to nots care for it, you knows, people beings up against you and makings you hot and all dat, but. . .dis ams different.”

No matter how tired, Skwisgaar laid awake long enough for Toki's breath to slow and even out. He still couldn't figure out what happened to him earlier, but in the wake of it all he felt like an entirely different person. As if Toki erased all the fingerprints from fifteen years of other people touching his body, as if he hadn't fractured himself with help of thousands of sluts. Was this how it felt to be whole again? Strange. . .

The sun had yet to even think about touching Mordhaus when he woke up. With a yawn, he readjusted against the other man. Only when he closed his eyes again did he realize Toki pet his hair. “What times am it?”

“Four or fives, I think.”

If that were the case, Skwisgaar didn't much feel like going right back to sleep. Nor did he want to get up. The most he did was shift further up the bed and let his eyes adjust to at least see Toki's silhouette. A hand on his shoulder helped guide him when he leaned in.

With no motive or end-game in mind, their affection unfurled only as it was meant to. Toki caught his lips again when Skwisgaar assumed he'd had enough, and then fervency wound up with his hair further knotted. Toki couldn't figure out where to lay his hands; the sentiment was returned. The magnetism that brought them first into each other's lives, then each other's beds, birthed a deep yearning in Skwisgaar. It was more than physical need—more than sexual need—that led to him tugging on Toki's shoulder.

Everyone Skwisgaar ever slept with before, from his awkward fumbling as a thirteen year old up until the last slut, seemed only like practice for the moment at hand. And yet, when in his life had a man ever laid between his legs and carried the connotation of just _how much_ he was worth? It didn't matter that he and Toki never approached it like this before. All that mattered was the pulse of breath and press of swollen lips to anything they came into contact with.

The lid on the lube bottle snapping open brought them back to their senses. Toki studied Skwisgaar in the moonlight, questioning him, but his gaze softened when fingertips ran down his arm. “Kan du känna att jag hör bara till dig?”

“Din hjerte?” A nod bumped their noses before Toki snuck another quick kiss. “Jeg er helt med deg ogsa.”

Skwisgaar's lips fell apart when a need to accommodate Toki shifted his hips, then pale blue eyes cracked open again as their bodies settled together. It was just them—no play, no toys, no variance in power. While this would've been unsettling before the winter, they'd led themselves here. The shock of it in relation to their history forced the chance to take it all in before they could go any further. Skwisgaar mapped out the other man's back, every ridge and rise separated by muscled smoothness, as Toki chased the ghosts of the first marks he ever left on the body beneath him. His tenderness along with a collaborative shift of their bodies faded Skwisgaar's smile into an expression more indicative of hot blood coursing through his inner thighs.

Skwisgaar gently blew on the heated skin of Toki's neck afterward, holding his hair aside. Toki's cheek pulled back where it rested on Skwisgaar's shoulder, indicating a lazy grin. “I gots all of you, you said?”

“Uh huh.” Was it love? Skwisgaar didn't know. He could tell Toki that he harboured something like that, but it seemed cheap. Not enough. With no words or combination thereof possible to properly express himself, Skwisgaar began composing a song as his fingers twirled through Toki's hair. Probably his solo, for whenever their next show came up.

Skwisgaar pulled the blanket up over his waist as Toki collapsed beside him. Hair clung to his forehead and now that his ass touched the bed again it smarted. He rolled onto his side at the same time that clouds moved past the moon again. Toki gazed at him intently, chewing the inside of his mouth.

“Can I tells you something?”

“Shore.”

“Is pretties much ancient histories by now, but I knows you guys was on edge when you gets me home. You didn'ts think I coulds be as okay as I saids I was.”

Skwisgaar slowly nodded. Plenty of hushed conversations were held whenever Toki went off for psychological evaluation or a doctor's visit, and wouldn't let them hover along behind him. Did he hate their guts? Play calm because he was going to snap? Plan to kill them, or kill himself? Was he in shock?

“I hads worse happen to me in my lifes. I don'ts know if you ever feels this before—I hopes you hasn'ts—but when bad thing has happens to you, you aren't scareds to die. You already face death, you know what it look like. Is just a thing what goings to happen to you, no matters what you do, so you don'ts really care about it.” Toki paused. “We all just animals at the ends of the day. We specks of dust what are only arounds for a littles bit of time. Sometimes we lucky enough to haves a good life, sometimes not so much. Toki didn'ts have a good life for a long time. Then it was goods and bad, goods because I was in you band, but bads because in my head I still lived in Norway. Thing got better, then. . .Magnus. But this?”

Toki rested a hand on Skwisgaar's hip. “I woulds has never seen it comings. But thanks you. I hopes you understand how bigs a deal this is for me. There's a lots here I can'ts put word to, but _that_ I cans. Thanks you.”

“I owes you dat too.” Skwisgaar's nails scratched lightly at Toki's abdomen. “And I'm sorry—”

Toki shushed him. “I knows, Skwis. You mades that clear last year. But is behinds us now. I brings it up just because I's grateful for you. You beens a good friend.”

Skwisgaar had no idea how to articulate what he wanted to say, never having been good with words to start with. He made a couple false starts, then sighed in defeat. “Sorry.”

Arms tightened around him. “You tells me more with you body than you ever coulds with you mouth. So don'ts worry about it. I knows.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently working to rewrite this. In the meantime, this version will remain up on the site. :)


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